Category: 2.0 stars
This could’ve been salvaged, maybe.
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Mega Shark vs Kolossus (2015)
Shark Week is wrapping up, and so are the Mega Shark movies. Well, until Mega Shark vs Moby Dick, which is supposed to come out in 2021 but that’s Future Chwineka’s problem. Until then we’ve reached the end of this franchise, and this last entry… didn’t suck? It was bad, don’t get me wrong, but bad in a lot of the the right ways.
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Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus (2009)
Ha ha HA!! You thought I’d be reviewing the X-Men First Class quadrilogy, didn’t you? First of all, I’m gonna review the Wolverine movies first, but more importantly it’s Shark Week! And while reviewing the Jaws quadrilogy was an option, Tubi had all 4 Mega Shark movies for free. So here we are, watching yet another bad Asylum film. Quite possibly more in my wheelhouse than watching comic book movies.
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Cube²: Hypercube (2002)
Don’t you love it when a sequel comes out and has practically no cast or crew in common with the original? I don’t! That’s how we get shit like American Psycho II: All American Girl, where a small child kills Patrick Bateman at the very beginning and the rest of the movie is Ms. Mila Kunis killing anyone in the way of her becoming Mr. William Shatner’s teaching assistant! Weird non-sequitur, right? We’ll come back to that…
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Melancholia (2011)
The week of “movies I’ve been dragging my feet on watching” continues, this time with Melancholia. See, once upon a time I rented this for Movie Night, and we skipped it. We tried to watch it! But the first 8 and a half minutes are just a slow motion recap (precap?) of the movie, and it was so insufferable that we gave up. It’s been at the bottom of my “to watch” list ever since, and now I’ve decided the time has come to see it. But was it any good? Enh… parts of it.
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So Undercover (2012)
This post is not sponsored by Tubi, but I am gonna gush about them for a bit. Sorry, but it’s a site with a bunch of movies you can watch for free! Sure there are ads, but uBlock Origin beats that shit down pretty well. And the movies come in a variety of flavors, from “That was pretty good,” to “Wait, they made a movie with THAT premise?!” And on that note, let’s talk about So Undercover, a film where Ms. Miley Cyrus infiltrates a sorority under orders from the FBI.
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The Gorgon (1964)
According to WordPress internal tracking, this is my 100th post! Huzzah! Sure, a number of those are “basic information” posts, but still! I’ve been at this for almost half a year now, so I think we can say this has been a successful experiment. And with that, we’re done! Thanks for coming, see you on my next flight of fancy!
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Batman: Hush (2019)
In the Batman: Under the Red Hood review I touched briefly on the Hush storyline. This movie is an adaptation of that story, but minus any trace of Jason Todd. And while Under the Red Hood was a pretty faithful adaptation, Hush decides to make some big changes at the end, and they are… a bit of a mixed bag.
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Cats (2019)
Everything that needs to be said about Tom Hooper’s Cats has already been said, but that’s not going to stop me from adding my own two cents, pointing out some things I haven’t seen other people talk to death. The plot of Cats is… notoriously thin. Cats appear, sing about themselves, get kidnapped by Mr. Idris Elba, and at the end Ms. Jennifer Hudson is chosen to be reincarnated by the leader of the death cult. A tale as old as time, really. The movie adds some new elements, but I’m not all that familiar with the stage musical so…
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Mazes and Monsters (1982)
We are currently living in a golden age for gamers. I’m talking the more “traditional games,” like role-playing games, board games, card games, miniature games, and the like. Sure, global instability has forced companies to increase their shipping rates to stay alive, sometimes to ludicrous degrees, but the market is wide enough that an incredibly niche game about bird watching sold so well that it’s out of print for, like, the third time since coming out in 2019! And Dungeons & Dragons is doing remarkably well at the moment, but that wasn’t always the case.
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Blood Freak (1972)
Many years ago, when I was a child-shaped entity, my father had a big book of movie reviews. Pretty sure it was VideoHound’s Golden Movie Retriever, or whatever it might have been called back then. Anyway, the book rated movies on a 0 to 4 scale with “bones” instead of “stars” and a noticeable “Woof!” for movies that got a 0. Being weird, I had looked up all the movies that started with the word “Blood,” and this woof of a review stood out. After reading the summary, I made it my goal in life to see this awful film.…
Chwineka Watches 