So Undercover (2012)

This post is not sponsored by Tubi, but I am gonna gush about them for a bit. Sorry, but it’s a site with a bunch of movies you can watch for free! Sure there are ads, but uBlock Origin beats that shit down pretty well. And the movies come in a variety of flavors, from “That was pretty good,” to “Wait, they made a movie with THAT premise?!” And on that note, let’s talk about So Undercover, a film where Ms. Miley Cyrus infiltrates a sorority under orders from the FBI.

Miley plays Molly (I see what you did there), a private eye who takes photos of cheating spouses. She’s approached by Jeremy Piven, an FBI agent who needs her to go undercover at a sorority and befriend the daughter of a man about to testify against organized crime. See, Piven says there’s a “hard hit” against the girl, Alex, which is where a person is embedded in the target’s life so much that they’d never suspect the impending attack. Hm. Anyway, Molly is now Brook and the sorority girls are… a bunch of college-aged girls written by men; noteworthy mentions are Cotton, a collection of dumb blonde jokes, and Becky, but only because she’s sassy and played by Kelly Osbourne. Molly also meets Nicholas, a love interest until she’s warned that he’s actually the assassin! But that’s a lie; Nicholas is just a dude, Piven is the assassin, Molly was the hard hit, and the real FBI agent was a professor. I know, it’s just so shocking that Jeremy Piven played an untrustworthy asshole. A hostage situation later, the sorority helps Molly save Alex and help the real FBI arrest Piven. Molly decides to go to college for real, and is now dating Nick.

I don’t really know what to say about Nicholas, mostly because he’s a nothing character. His entire personality can be summed up as “generically handsome love interest.” And I get that part of that is so we’d almost believe that he was the bad guy all along, but come on; as soon as Jeremy Piven mentioned the hard hit while trying to get Molly to get close to Alex, it was painfully obvious that he was evil. And his evidence against Nicholas? A fake wrap sheet that says in big letters “6 inch scar across neck.” It’s not even a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it moment, it’s on screen long enough for the audience to see. And guess what: Nicholas has no scar. Also, why even make fake documents–complete with a mugshot, which raises even more questions–for a guy you encouraged her to date? To keep her off balance? You’d think being in a relationship while trying to spy on people undercover would be enough of a distraction, but hey, we needed some drama to kick off the third act.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that the writing isn’t very good. Not the worst, but just painfully middle of the road. I wonder if the two writers have done anything else noteworthy… Oh. Oh dear. One of them wrote Collateral Beauty, and the other produced it. So fuck those guys, fuck that movie, and fuck me because I hate that movie so much that I’ll most likely review it here soon enough. People love negative reviews!

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