Ha ha HA!! You thought I’d be reviewing the X-Men First Class quadrilogy, didn’t you? First of all, I’m gonna review the Wolverine movies first, but more importantly it’s Shark Week! And while reviewing the Jaws quadrilogy was an option, Tubi had all 4 Mega Shark movies for free. So here we are, watching yet another bad Asylum film. Quite possibly more in my wheelhouse than watching comic book movies.
2009
UFO: The Greatest Story Ever Denied II: Moon Rising (2009)
Who knew that batshit conspiracy theories could be so boring? Long story short, I heard about Gaia, a streaming service of "consciousness expanding videos." It has a bunch of yoga stuff, but apparently it's also notorious for having some really out there conspiracy videos. So, of course, I signed up for a free trial to see how kooky things could get. And the answer is, pretty damn kooky!
Lo (2009)
Look, I absolutely can talk about Batman non-stop for weeks on end, but for both our sakes I'd rather not. I still have several movies I own that I want to talk about, so that means the occasional break in the three or four weeks I'm going to be focusing on this particular superhero. So instead of something related like The Shadow, we have Lo.
Jennifer’s Body (2009)
So apparently some people on the internet don’t like this movie. They are wrong. It’s just that simple.
The Lost Skeleton Returns Again (2009)
We're back! Almost a decade after The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra, just about everybody returns for The Lost Skeleton Returns Again. And I do mean (just about) everybody: the titular Lost Skeleton survived being thrown off a cliff but is missing his body; the dead evil scientist, Roger Fleming, is replaced by his twin brother, Peter Fleming, who is not evil; and Ranger Brad's twin brother, Jungle Brad, steps in. They have different last names, of course.
Ink (2009)
It’s kind of hard to review your favorite movie. When I hate something, oh my god, I have to force myself to stop ranting about it. And with a mix of schadenfreude and impassioned writing those posts are usually pretty fun to read (I have been told). But a movie I love? It’s kinda rough to get the ball rolling…
Final Flesh (2009)
Where do I even begin with this… thing? Well first off this was written by Mr. Vernon Chatman, a writer who worked on Late Night with Conan O’Brien and the creator of Xavier: Renegade Angel (if you’ve heard of that, you have an idea of the weirdness that is coming). Chatman split the script into four parts, sending each one to a different porn site–specifically the ones where the actors perform what you sent them, getting a tailored porn/fetish experience. But it couldn’t be a normal story! Oh no, this was a borderline dadaist drama about a family (a father, a mother, and a daughter) dying in an atomic blast and reincarnating over and over, or something. With a lot of bizarre, nonsensical sequences throughout.
Chwineka Watches 