Children of the Corn (2009)

We are so close to finishing October of the Corn… And October too, but this spooky month doesn’t exhaust me like these last few Children of the Corn movies do, and the remake to 1984’s Children of the Corn is no exception. This film is far more faithful to the original short story, but at what cost? For me the cost is that it’s an absolute slog to get through. So without further ado…

12 years after the children of Gatlin rose up and killed all the adults, It’s the 1970’s and Burt (Mr. David Anders, AKA Takezo Kensei from Heroes) and Vicky (Mrs. Kandyse McClure, AKA Anastasia Dualla from Battlestar Galactica) are driving near the town. They bicker constantly, and Burt’s time in Vietnam is almost brought up as much as how they hate each other. After hitting a kid with their car they realize his throat was cut first, so they investigate the abandoned Gatlin. Burt leaves Vicky behind and she quickly gets captured. Burt manages to kill a few vicious children and escapes into the corn. Isaac–now played by an actual child with the quality of acting you would expect from one–is annoyed that the outlanders are making a mockery of their faith and demands his followers get the adult. While Burt has Vietnam flashbacks in the corn, the cult gathers to watch some children have sex. They’re at most 18 years old and on the DVD you can clearly see female presenting nipples, so I’m very uncomfortable. Anyway, Burt finds his way to a clearing in the corn where he finds Vicky’s dead body. He Who Walks Behind the Rows appears before Burt (although we don’t see it) and kills him, too. Pissed at how many children died, Isaac decrees that the age limit for their community is now 18 instead of 19, meaning older children like Malachai now have to walk into the corn as a sacrifice. In a post credits scene, Malachai’s pregnant child bride Ruth dreams of setting the corn on fire.

This was a good adaptation and a bad movie. Look, I get that in the source material Burt and Vicky were fighting constantly, but it’s exhausting to watch! They are petty, bitter people and it just goes on and on and on… The movie also won’t shut up about Vietnam and overuses the “something creepy is happening behind you, but when you turn it’s gone” trope to death. And this film also has… well, do you know the cinematic term “day for night?” It’s when you film something during the day and either add a filter or film it in such a way that it looks like you were filming at night. This movie has some of the worst day for night shots I’ve ever seen. While Burt is going crazy in the corn, it clearly isn’t really nighttime, especially when he looks up and sees the darkness of a clear night sky. And the child actors generally suck, but that’s to be expected.

There are just so many things wrong with this reboot, it’s maddening! But we’re almost over with this franchise; just one more film to go. But we’re taking a little break so that post will go up on Friday. What’s happening Wednesday? Well… you’ll see.