Who knew that batshit conspiracy theories could be so boring? Long story short, I heard about Gaia, a steaming service of “consciousness expanding videos.” It has a bunch of yoga stuff, but apparently it’s also notorious for having some really out there conspiracy videos. So, of course, I signed up for a free trial to see how kooky things could get. And the answer is, pretty damn kooky!
UFO: The Greatest Story Ever Denied II is about aliens on the moon and how NASA is lying to us about the color of the lunar surface (the first part was about just about UFOs on Earth, so I skipped straight to this one). The website lists the year of this documentary as 2009, and IMDB agrees, but this was a version that had been updated… at some point. They make overt references to the original documentary, but also mention newer websites (that are no longer active). So changes happened somewhere between 2009 and four months ago.
But what about the actual content of the documentary? Does it provide compelling arguments that aliens have colonized the moon and the world governments are covering it up? In a word, no. In more than one word, FUUUUUUUCK NO. There’s an astonishing amount of lies, stupidity, and general ignorance all throughout and since I don’t want to spend a thousand words ranting, here’s a list of the dumbest stuff:
- The lead filmmaker says early on, “I used to have to explain why the moon appears gray from Earth many, many times,” and then he never actually explains why. My day was ruined from the get-go.
- A blurry shape in a photo taken by a satellite in the 60’s or 70’s means that the government is covering up aliens, and that shape missing in higher quality, newer photos is more proof.
- They kept talking about tubing coming out of craters and I had no idea what they meant until I realized they didn’t understand striations and ejecta radiating out from craters caused by impacts on the moon’s surface.
- One interviewee had someone tell her that aliens would be used as a smokescreen for the government to send weapons into space, seemingly invalidating the rest of the documentary. I don’t think anyone thought too hard about what she actually said.
- Hollow moon theory is touched upon, because of course it is.
- The suggestion that a 5.3 billion year old rock found on the moon means the moon is actually 5.3 billions years old. Using similar logic, we adopted the cat on my lap as a kitten in 2018, so I am actually two years old.
- Turning a picture of the lunar surface 180 degrees suddenly reveals evidence of aliens. It’s still a crater, but now the angle of light has changed. How shocking.
- The chevron in NASA’s logo is part of a grand conspiracy because other space agencies use a similar design.
- The idea that low-level government employees in on the conspiracy keep including hints in things released to the public, but the people in charge don’t notice anything (this is a flaw with a lot of conspiracy theories).
- Especially reflective craters are actually glass biodomes. Alien glass. Sure.
- And too many segments that are just panning over pictures of the moon while dramatic music plays. Seriously, that takes up a sizable chunk of the runtime.
This wasn’t even an hour and a half long but it felt like I had been watching for 5 hours. I just kept getting more frustrated with their crazy theories about things I learned in middle school science class, and then was forced to stew in my hatred as another excessively long sequence of spooky music played out (in the end I Seagaled it, but it still took an eternity to end). And the cherry on top of this shit sundae? The documentary is available for free on YouTube! It’s actually uploaded twice–three times if you want to watch the original version! I broke from a general policy of “don’t be a dick” and downvoted all three because I’ll never get that time back and I’m very, very petty.
Or… maybe… I’m actually a part of the conspiracy and this is all a part of the cover up. THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE!! WHY WON’T NASA TALK ABOUT THE STONEHENGE ON THE MOON?!
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