The Munsters (2022)

I can’t promise that there will always be extra posts on Saturdays this month, but holy shit did I need to rant about how bad The Munsters movie was. God awful trash.

So Rob Zombie–goth rocker and filmmaker behind gorefests like The Devil’s Rejects and 2007’s Halloween–was a fan of The Munsters TV show from the 60’s. Good for him? I wish it had just stopped at that, but no, he decided to break from making only R-rated films and do a Munsters prequel movie with a PG rating. Not PG-13! Full on for little kids PG! And it’s terrible.

The film shows the meeting and marriage between vampire Lily (Sheri Moon Zombie) and Frankenstein monster Herman Munster (Jeff Daniel Phillips). Lily’s dad, the Count (Daniel Roebuck) hates Herman at first because he’s kind of dumb, but then really hates him when his new son-in-law signs away the family’s Transylvanian castle. How does this get resolved? It doesn’t! The family moves to California and once there they… just end the movie. There are some extra gags here and there, but the story is surprisingly sparse for a movie bordering on two hours long.

The whole thing is just bad. Sheri Moon Zombie was good in The Devil’s Rejects playing a manic pixie nightmare bitch, but just… I don’t want to say that she can’t act and only gets roles because her husband is the director, but she really sucked here. Jeff Phillips–who I know as an asshole mutant on The Gifted–chose the most annoying voice for Herman and I hated every time he spoke. And Daniel Roebuck tried, but couldn’t break through this movie’s bad script.

None of my friends watching this laughed. The film was a black hole, sucking all joy we had. I did laugh once, but more because I was surprised they included a joke more than the joke being funny. See, the family’s butler, Igor (Sylvester McCoy), can’t go with them to America for… reasons, I’m sure. He mentions that some guy has offered him a job as a pool boy, but the Count points out that the man doesn’t own a pool. When Igor drinks a potion that turns him into a bat, the Count says, “Bottoms up!” To which the butler replies, “That’s what Lord Grimsby said!” You… you kept a PG rating but included a gay pool boy joke? I laughed more out of surprise than anything else, and I hate myself for doing so. You got me, you piece of shit! I laughed once! Are you fucking happy now?!

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