I love my friends, I really do. When I asked around about what people thought was the worst movie they’d ever seen I got some of the usual suspects, but enough of my friends are fucking weirdos like me that I got a few rare cuts as well. One of them was Taintlight, a cheap and ugly parody of Twilight (a movie I have now mentioned on this blog 6 times so I’m now contractually obligated to cover it before the new year is over). How ugly? Well…
We open on a man shitting in the woods, killed off screen while singing Ace of Base. That basically sums up the humor level of the movie. The rest hews fairly close to Twilight, but taking the opportunity to make every stupid decision it can. Stella (and her wig, the second worst in the movie) move to a new town and meet Edgar Mullens, a moody loner. Stella finds out Edgar is a vampire, but one without fangs. That’s kind of important because the villain, Razor McBleed, does have fangs and calls those without them… ugh… “fagpires.” Charming. So it comes to a head during a game of frisbee golf: Stella, Edgar, his siblings Rosalis and Rathbone (owner of the worst wig), and Jack (a werewolf Michael Jackson impersonator) versus Razor and his minions, Raoul and Veronica. Edgar kills Razor and thinks he kills all the henchmen, but Veronica survives. The movie ends with Edgar and Stella saying they love each other, and then Stella’s dad starts humping her as his pants fall down. The film is mercifully only an hour long.
Holy fuck this was bad. Look, I’m not someone who would categorize Twilight as a “good” movie, but when your parody is a thousand times worse, what was the point? The humor is all farts and sex, but on the level of an especially edgy 13-year-old. Stella’s dad’s entire character is “uncomfortably horny towards his daughter” and that gets old real fast. The “fagpires” line loses its punch after the first time. And constantly talking about Stella getting fingered or being on her period was just aggressively unfunny.
But as much as I hate this movie, I hate more that I actually liked Razor McBleed. It’s another Collateral Beauty situation where I just want to throw the whole thing in the trash but I liked one element and now I feel bad. Razor is a character taking himself somewhat seriously and has a competent actor. Well, at least the best actor in this, which makes sense since was apparently the third film where he’s played the character. Unfortunately he’s the one delivering the first “fagpire” line, so that cancels it out. It’d be a zero sum game, except… While fighting in the indoor arena, I swear to god that Edgar calls Razor “Radu.” Wait, what? Radu, as in Radu from the Subspecies series? He does kind of have that look with the pale makeup and bad fangs, so it would make sense in an obscure reference sort of way. I honestly didn’t expect that, so that tips the scale back to giving this film one point for it. But seriously, don’t watch this movie.
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