Tag: ugly cgi
“This thing looks like a bad CGI movie creature!”
-Bad CGI Sharks (2019)
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Dominion: Prequel to the Exorcist (2005)
What’s a horror franchise without a prequel? Most of them, actually, but it sure seems like nowadays we have to spend at least an hour and a half explaining shit we either had already deduced through context clues, or were the source of much heated debates in the internet’s smelliest chatrooms. I just don’t see the need for this movie, you know? But here we are, seeing the origin of Father Lankester Merrin and how exorcizing Regan was actually… a… Wait a minute. Yadda yadda yadda, Paranormal Octoberty, what the hell is going on here?!
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Exorcist: The Beginning (2004)
What’s a horror franchise without a prequel? Most of them, actually, but it sure seems like nowadays we have to spend at least an hour and a half explaining shit we either had already deduced through context clues, or were the source of much heated debates in the internet’s smelliest chatrooms. I just don’t see the need for this movie, you know? But here we are, seeing the origin of Father Lankester Merrin and how exorcizing Regan was actually a piece of cake. You know, up to the point where he died… OH YEAH RIGHT WELCOME BACK TO PARANORMAL OCTOBERTY!
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Star Wars: Episode VI: Return of the Jedi (1983)
To be perfectly honest, I wasn’t absolutely sure that I’d be reviewing Return of the Jedi right here. Mr. George Lucas clearly wants people to watch his Star Wars movies in episode order, but I didn’t want to go that route. And sure, release order–4, 5, 6, 1, 2, and 3–is what I’m apparently leaning towards, but I was really tempted to do flashback mode–4, 5, 1, 2, 3, and 6–,the logic is flashing back to Anakin Skywalker’s past after the revelation that no, he is Luke’s father. But at just about the last minute I decided at the very…
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Amityville Hex (2021)
Have you ever seen a movie that haunted you so much that you just had to sit down at your computer and write a post about it, despite still technically being on a hiatus? No? Just me? Then I guess you haven’t seen Amityville Hex, a movie that I’ll either forget next week or will remember until the day I die. There is no in-between.
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Children of the Corn (2020)
I know, I know. I’m still on hiatus, but I had to make this post. Why? Because I am Captain Ahab and the Children of the Corn prequel/remake/reboot has been my white whale ever since it disappeared off the face of the goddamned Earth back in 2020, only to resurface recently. From hell’s heart I stab at thee! The last movie of this forsaken franchise has been seen!
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Twisted Pair (2018)
I honestly don’t know what to say about this movie. Neil Breen is an auteur with a specific vision on the merging of humanity and advanced technology, and he wants to share that vision with us. Doesn’t matter that he’s an awful filmmaker and his movies are utterly incomprehensible, I guess.
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Bahum Bug 2 (2020)
I think it’s safe to say that I didn’t like Bahum Bug. I thought it was lazy, bad, boring, and looked cheap. Also the ending had Bahum Bug repent his evil ways, so what was left for a sequel? I expected some shenanigans like his cousin comes and causes trouble, but oh no. No no no. Bahum Bug 2 decided to be lazier. And worse. Even more boring, and somehow cheaper.
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Bahum Bug (2019)
I had a plan for January 2022. It wasn’t good, but there was one. The idea was to watch as many movies by Mr. Ulli Lommel–a man I regard as the worst filmmaker I’ve ever seen, as I touched upon in Diary of a Cannibal–until my soul couldn’t take any more or the month ended, whichever happened first. But that’s being postponed for something else. Why bring this up? I was going to end December on some absolute garbage movies to get myself in the right headspace for the following month. For better or worse, that’s the part of the…
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Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth (1992)
I’ve seen all ten Hellraiser movies before, but most of them were a long time ago. I remembered the first two adhering to Mr. Clive Barker’s vision and being pretty good, the last two were absolute dog shit, and the ones in the middle were hit or miss. So I went into Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth not expecting much. They’re brining back Pinhead after his noble sacrifice in Hellbound: Hellraiser II? Already starting on a bad foot. But turns out this was better than I remember, in part because it has something intersting to say about abusive relationships.
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Hellbound: Hellraiser II (1988)
The Hellbound Halloween continues! It’s a reference to The Hellbound Heart, the story by Mr. Clive Barker that Hellraiser is based on, by the way. This is the last film in the franchise that Barker had a direct hand in, which is a little concerning since it’s only the second film. Yup, from here on out the quality steadily decreases–although I remember Hellraiser: Inferno being decent–until we hit the bottom of the barrel with the last two. But that’s something we’ll touch on later in the month; right now let’s end Julia’s reign of evil!
Chwineka Watches 