Category: 2.0 stars
This could’ve been salvaged, maybe.
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Stranger by the Lake (2013)
Social distancing has kept my friends at arm’s length (and you should be social distancing as well so we can be done with this virus bullshit AND ACTUALLY SEE OUR FRIENDS AGAIN!), but through the power of the internet I’ve been able to watch some movies with the gang. One of such movie was L’Inconnu […]
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Reefer Madness (1938)
Do you know someone held captive in the seductive grip of marijuana? Sorry, I mean, “marihuana?” If so, you must do everything in your power to help your friend see the light before they’re driven to mindless violence! And if that person happens to be you, then God have mercy on your soul… Or so Reefer Madness, AKA Tell Your Children would have you believe. Man, the makers of this film sound really uptight; if only there were a recreational substance that could help them relax…
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Are We Not Cats (2018)
I’ve been sitting on this one for a little while. I watched it during October when I was only doing horror movies, thinking that the “horror” label I saw on several sites was accurate. I don’t know if it really counts as a “horror” so much as a “thriller,” but I was certainly horrified watching it. Mostly it’s a bunch of “body horror.” So here it is, ready for November. And it’s… oof.
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Children of the Corn 666: Isaac’s Return (1999)
I see what this movie was trying to do with “666” instead of “Part VI,” but… why? 666 is traditionally regarded as the number of The Beast, but that’s from the Book of Revelation (remember, it’s singular, not plural). So it’s very Christian… and while the child cult of He Who Walks Behind the Rows has performative Christian aspects, it’s definitely not the same religion. So having “666” in the title makes no sense!
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Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice (1993)
October of the Corn continues with Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice, which is obviously not the final movie. It was a bad idea to use that word for Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter–the fourth film out of 10 (before reboots)–and it was a bad idea here. Sure, Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest came out 3 years after this, but you had to know that creating a sequel 8 years after the original was going to open the door to countless sequels. Well, it’s 7 sequels, a reboot, a sequel to that reboot, and a…
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The Mummy (2017)
By my counting, Mummy Mondays should’ve ended on June 1st. This is assuming that coronavirus didn’t upend just about everything, Movie Night was still meeting regularly, and that we wouldn’t’ve missed a week. But coronavirus did happen and it took me months before I decided to finish up this series by myself. It’s been a weird trip full of bad sequels and rare good moments, but with Mr. Tom Cruise’s 2017 The Mummy, we can finally put this monster back in its tomb.
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The Scorpion King: Book of Souls (2018)
When I talked about The Scorpion King 4: Quest for Power, I had a number of people very surprised that they made 4 of these movies. Well hold on to your butts, but there’s actually 5 (so far). We’ve gone many different directions in this franchise, from the first feeling similar in tone to The Mummy Returns, the second being the Young Adventures of Mathayus, the third and fourth feeling like unconnected SyFy original movies, and then this one taking itself very seriously. And that could have been interesting, if I weren’t exhausted all the way down to my soul…
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Devil’s Gate (2018)
Have you noticed that a good chunk of horror media uses easily recognizable creatures but avoids naming them as such? Like, those aren’t zombies in The Walking Dead; they’re “walkers” or “biters” or whatever. In 28 Days Later they’re called “the infected.” And in 2007’s I Am Legend those aren’t “vampires;” they’re… actually I don’t know what those creatures are supposed to be, but they’re vampires in the source material. What I’m trying to say is I didn’t hear the word “alien” in this movie until about an hour and 22 minutes in, despite just about everyone watching the movie…
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The Scorpion King 3: Battle for Redemption (2012)
Full disclosure, this was the last film in Mummy Mondays that I was looking forward to. I had never seen a Scorpion King movie before this, and I wasn’t all that excited to do so. This movie was the exception for two very big reasons: Mr. Billy Zane and Ron Perlman! Motherfuckin’ the Collector from Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight and the good Hellboy! Even if this movie was awful, at least I had those two keeping me afloat.
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The Scorpion King 2: Rise of a Warrior (2008)
We’ve reached the point of Mummy Mondays where we’re talking about a sequel AND a prequel to a spin-off to what is effectively a reboot. Cue the Inception noise. This movie is… certainly something I spent almost 2 hours watching.
Chwineka Watches 