Category: Reviews
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The Mothman Curse (2014)
What’s worse than a Mothman movie with a bad Mothman? A Mothman movie that doesn’t have any Mothman! Yeah, we’re still on America’s second favorite cryptid (I’ll get to you another day, Bigfoot), and today’s movie is just… bad. Astonishingly bad. So bad that I’m skipping a normal recap and just ripping right into the fucker.
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Mothman (2010)
So what do we know about Mothman? Seen around Point Pleasant, West Virginia from 1966-67, it would swoop down and stare at people with its glowing red eyes. Generally described as a tall gray shape with no discernible head and giant wings, its sightings seemingly stopped after the December 15, 1967 Silver Bridge disaster that killed 46 people. And depending on where you go on the internet, it’s the loving monster boyfriend to many. Mothman is an iconic cryptid, so it’s such a shame that so many movies about it fucking suck.
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The Scorpion King (2002)
The Brendan Fraser Mummy franchise is dead, but it’s legacy lives on in the spinoff, The Scorpion King, and it’s 4 direct-to-DVD sequels. Seriously, the fifth one came out two years ago. Having a spinoff of The Mummy Returns does make some sense as Mr. The Rock was only in that movie for about 4 minutes, and then sort of again at the end when his poorly rendered face is on the big scorpion monster. I mean, you got a popular wrestler before he became a big time movie star, and you barely feature him? No no no, he’s got…
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Cold Creepy Feeling (2010)
I know I complained about it in the Paranormal Investigation post, but man, movies about ghosts with absolutely no special effects suck. I guess it can rarely work–The Blair Witch Project, while not about a ghost per say, has no special effects and is amazing–but no effects AND a complete lack of effort a bad movie make. Throw in a title like Cold Creepy Feeling–sometimes called Cold Creepy Feeling: Paranormal Exorcism for unknown reason–and we have a hat trick of suck.
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Honeymoon (2014)
I know that one or two of you were expecting an X-Men: First Class review to happen this week, but I need a break from big budget franchises (not stopping Mummy Mondays though, sorry not sorry). Why watch movies that people have actually heard of when I can go back to talking about the weirdest shit no one but me cares about? Gotta stick to my brand! With that out of the way, today I’m talking about a movie I’ve mentioned previously on this blog: Honeymoon.
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The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008)
Did you know that there was a third Mummy film starring Mr. Brendan Fraser? I’m pretty sure I didn’t before starting Mummy Mondays. Released 7 years after The Mummy Returns and not directed by Stephen Sommers–the director of the first two films–this really does feel like an unnecessary addition just so it can be called a trilogy. Which is a bit of a shame because despite this film getting negative reviews, I didn’t think it was that bad.
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Logan (2017)
Mr. James Mangold did such a good job on The Wolverine, why wouldn’t 20th Century Fox give him another shot? And what a shot this is! The second R-rated X-Men movie after Deadpool, Logan goes in a slightly different direction to justify the rating: instead of cartoonish violence, Logan shows how ugly fighting to the death can be. And a bunch of “fucks,” but that’s a side benefit.
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The Wolverine (2013)
Speaking honestly, I’m not a Wolverine fan. The character has his moments, sure, but he’s never really resonated with me. I like Cyclops, a loyal leader until the world beats him down enough that he’s forced to make tough choices. Wolverine makes nothing but tough choices, and the decision to put himself in charge of the Jean Grey School for Higher Learning in the comics was so laughably bad that I’m surprised Storm and Kate Pryde took as long as they did to take control of it away from him. What I’m saying is it takes a really damn good…
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X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009)
So X-Men: The Last Stand was not very good. I know, the hottest of hot takes. So I’m sure the stakes while making X-Men Origins: Wolverine were high as a result. 20th Century Fox needed to this to be good, damn it! This could be the start of an entire X-Men Origins, or possibly lead to an X-Men 4! That’s obviously not what happened, in part because this film was… Well, I’ll hold off on my opinion ’til later for dramatic effect.
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The Mummy Returns (2001)
I recently talked about the supposed trilogy pattern of “first is fine, second is superb, third is terrible,” so it’s interesting to watch a trilogy that breaks that pattern. 1999’s The Mummy is a great movie that people love, while The Mummy Returns… exists.
Chwineka Watches 