Cold Creepy Feeling (2010)

I know I complained about it in the Paranormal Investigation post, but man, movies about ghosts with absolutely no special effects suck. I guess it can rarely work–The Blair Witch Project, while not about a ghost per say, has no special effects and is amazing–but no effects AND a complete lack of effort a bad movie make. Throw in a title like Cold Creepy Feeling–sometimes called Cold Creepy Feeling: Paranormal Exorcism for unknown reason–and we have a hat trick of suck.

We open with the Papyrus typeface, then jump into home movies and child abuse. 10 years later, Jason and Chloe are tired of living in Los Angeles so they jump at the opportunity to move to a ranch house in what is essentially the middle of nowhere. Jason writes books about paranormal investigations, but that is not relevant at all. Turns out their new place is haunted by the abusive mother from the intro and… her dead daughter? At least, I’m pretty sure the kid’s dead? Chloe is taking the brunt of the haunting, but when a friend stops by for a Christian séance and weak-ass exorcism, things are okay! Except they’re not, and the couple disappear. The sheriff (who looks like a very sad Mr. Rutger Hauer) tries to find them, but is apparently killed when he answers a cellphone and the ghost mom is on the other end. We end on a burning picture of Jesus during the credits.

I’m trying to think of something this movie actually did right and I’m coming up empty. There’s so much unnecessary padding; the most egregious examples are our protagonists spending 5 minutes wandering around an abandoned pioneer town (named Pioneertown), and later reading a forum thread verbatim, occasionally having actors read the posts as if they were the ones who wrote them. The acting is atrocious. “It’s kinda dark in here,” Chloe says while exploring the ranch, standing in a literal beam of sunlight. The camerawork is lazy. At one point two people in the background actively move to no longer be on camera, suggesting that writer/director/producer/editor/director of photography Keith Kurlander got permission from the bar, but didn’t alert the patrons. This movie is an absolute shitshow and wasn’t even bad in an enjoyable way.

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