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Hostel (2005)
As it turns out, there aren’t enough Saw movies to have every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday in October dedicated to them. I’m left with three extra days during Saw-mhain, and you know what torture porn franchise has only three films? House of 1000 Corpses! And also Hostel, which is what we’re actually talking about today. And the first of the trilogy is… good? Better than expected, at least!
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Saw II (2005)
This year’s monthlong Halloween event, Saw-mhain, continues! Saw was incredibly successful, both in terms of cultural influence as well as profitability, so it makes sense that there’d be a sequel. But the very next year? That’s one hell of a turnaround, but this little franchise that could would continue doing that until the seventh film, confusingly titled Saw 3D. Also, this one is the first to be directed and co-written by Mr. Darren Lynn Bousman, who would return to the franchise several times. Hmmmm, why is that name familiar…?
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Saw (2004)
You didn’t think a little thing like a hiatus would stop me from celebrating the entire month of Halloween, did you? My tradition of a yearly October event lives on with Saw-mhain, a pun that works best if you know Irish /Gaeilge. Oh yes, the syllable break of Samhain (SAH-win) is Sa-mhain, because fuck you, that’s why. Gaeilge is a bastard language.
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Children of the Corn (2020)
I know, I know. I’m still on hiatus, but I had to make this post. Why? Because I am Captain Ahab and the Children of the Corn prequel/remake/reboot has been my white whale ever since it disappeared off the face of the goddamned Earth back in 2020, only to resurface recently. From hell’s heart I stab at thee! The last movie of this forsaken franchise has been seen!
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Indefinite Hiatus 2: Electric Boogaloo
I both don’t want to make this announcement and also have no choice but to. Chwineka Watches is going on indefinite hiatus.
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Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves (2023)
This may come as a shock to you, dear reader, but I’m a bit of a nerd. I know I come off as a total alpha chad, but I actually have a huge collection of roleplaying books, card games, board games, and just so much geek shit. I’ve been playing Dungeons & Dragons since I called my friends over, slammed the core three books on the table, and said that we’re the kind of geeks who should be playing this game. As a longtime nerd, the various official D&D movies have been disappointing. The first was bad camp, the second…
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Smile (2022)
You ever see a movie and just assume it’s not going to be good? Smile is all about creepy smiles! Oooh, I’m shaking in my boots… Plus, they showed what is most likely the best jumpscare in the trailer–if you know, you know–so what else is there? But I heard reviews were rather positive for this film. Was it actually worth watching? Or did it make me hate myself like that awful, awful movie Smiley? Writers call that a hook!
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2gether (2000)
So last week I talked about Brightburn being disappointing and how it made me long for–and I quote–“a mockumentary from 2000 about a fake boy band.” Very specific, right? Well let’s take a trip back two decades and talk about a forgotten… “gem” isn’t the right word because this isn’t an objectively good MTV made-for-TV movie, but it knew exactly what it was and leaned into it appropriately.
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Brightburn (2019)
Okay, you guys. You guys! I have a million dollar idea. No, a billion dollar idea! Are you ready? You’re not ready, but here we go: what if–take a moment and think about this–what if… Superman… was evil? I know, right?! Groundbreaking. Revolutionary. Just think about how much–wait, what? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THIS HAS BEEN DONE A THOUSAND TIMES BEFORE?! Fuck… FUCK!! Fine! Whatever! I’ll stick with just talking about movies, then, I fucking guess.
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Broadcast Signal Intrusion (2021)
Sometimes it’s hard to put into words why a movie didn’t resonate with me. Using a recent example, Antlers was a perfectly fine movie with a pretty basic ending, but it just didn’t live up to my expectations. And that’s the case with Broadcast Signal Intrusion. The creepy atmosphere is on point, but the ambiguous ending just didn’t land. And I’m usually a huge fan of ambiguous endings! So let’s analyze what I think didn’t work.
Chwineka Watches
The dead speak!
Chwineka Watches 