Category: 1.5 stars
Exasperated sigh and eyeroll.
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Children of the Corn: Revelation (2001)
Going through all these Children of the Corn movies for October of the Corn, we see that the movies so far have covered a lot of ground (or, as much ground as you can cover when the main focus is a creepy kid cult). We’ve had the cult be active in the modern day and also a relic of years past. We’ve had the setting be a corn field and also urban Chicago. We’ve had the cult led by children, and also an adult who happened to have once been one of those kid leaders. And now we come to…
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Children of the Corn: The Gathering (1996)
Welcome back to October of the Corn! Today we’re talking about Children of the Corn: The Gathering (the “IV” on the poster and generally accepted title doesn’t appear in the movie), the most forgettable one in the entire franchise. Pretty impressive, right? Fields of Terror has the kid who looks like an Oriental shorthair cat; Isaac’s Return has the return of Isaac (naturally); Revelation has the weird hotel; Genesis is the one in California without any corn; and the reboot and Runaway are dumb but have at least one or two things about them that I remember. I mean, fuck,…
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Prey of the Jaguar (1997)
I love discount DVDs. Two movies you’ve never heard of for a dollar? Sign me up! I don’t even care that they’re usually pretty awful. Are you really going to regret a movie where you only spent 50 cents? I mean, generally I’d say no, but I’m not the one in my friend group who […]
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Mothman (2010)
So what do we know about Mothman? Seen around Point Pleasant, West Virginia from 1966-67, it would swoop down and stare at people with its glowing red eyes. Generally described as a tall gray shape with no discernible head and giant wings, its sightings seemingly stopped after the December 15, 1967 Silver Bridge disaster that killed 46 people. And depending on where you go on the internet, it’s the loving monster boyfriend to many. Mothman is an iconic cryptid, so it’s such a shame that so many movies about it fucking suck.
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X-Men: The Last Stand (2006)
Once upon a time I thought this was the worst movie I had ever seen. Ah, to be that young again, ignorant of things like Diary of a Cannibal and Collateral Beauty… Regardless, this is widely considered to be a wet fart of an ending to an otherwise pretty decent trilogy. Some even still consider this the worst X-Men movie, but… well, touch on that more when I eventually review X-Men: Dark Phoenix.
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Vampire Boys (2011)
Revisiting movies I haven’t seen in a while is interesting. Well, at the very least it is for me. I get to compare what I remember with what I don’t, and if years have passed and I’ve changed as a person–even in small ways–I might even view it completely differently. Basically this is a long winded way of saying I used to think the movie was absolutely awful, and upon watching it again it’s still bad, but, like, bad in a normal sort of way.
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Russell Madness (2015)
Did you know that there is an Air Bud cinematic universe? If you need a moment to process that, you’re probably not alone. Air Bud spawned Air Buddies, which in turn spawned Santa Buddies and its sequel. But that’s not all in the talking animal universe (the puppies talk, by the way)! Now firmly in the control of writer/director/producer Robert Vince, we also have Pup Stars (dogs singing), several monkey movies (MVP: Most Valuable Primate, Spymate, Monkey Up, etc.), and now Russell Madness.
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Dark Light (2019)
This was not a good movie. It’s not one of those incredibly bad movies that wraps back around to “I have to show all my friends,” but it’s also not so boring that I contemplate suicide like an Ulli Lommel movie. It’s more like it had potential, but between bad acting and a premise that falls apart if you actually think about it, it just fails. A solid two out of five film.
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Legends of the Hidden Temple (2016)
I remember watching the Legends of the Hidden Temple TV show when I was a kid. If you don’t know what that is, that just reminds me that I’m an old on the internet. Anyway, it was a adventure game show on Nickelodeon back in the 1990’s where teams of kids would attempt challenges, and if successful they would enter the Hidden Temple and try to get an artifact out before the hidden guards would pop out, scare the shit out of them (and probably a good number of kids watching), and end their run. And because nothing is sacred,…
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The Mummy’s Kiss (2003)
Dear reader, I want you to know that I have standards for this blog. Somewhat high standards! The kind of standards where once I find out that a movie I’m watching on Amazon dot com has been severely edited, I go out and search for the intact version. And for this movie, that happened to be Pornhub, so I guess my standards aren’t all that high…
Chwineka Watches 