I love discount DVDs. Two movies you’ve never heard of for a dollar? Sign me up! I don’t even care that they’re usually pretty awful. Are you really going to regret a movie where you only spent 50 cents? I mean, generally I’d say no, but I’m not the one in my friend group who bought Transmorphers. Anyway, Prey of the Jaguar came on a two-pack with The Conspiracy of Fear, and both are bad in hilarious ways (I’ll get to the other another day).

We follow Derek, his family, and his awful Ned Flanders mustache. He used to work for The Company along with The Commander (Mr. Stacy Keach in a shitty mid-90’s ponytail) but now leads a quiet life. But when Bandera–the man he put away–breaks out, Derek’s family is murdered and he swear revenge by becoming Jaguar, a superhero his son made up. He takes down anyone in his way using a mix of lame martial arts and a tranq gun. Of course in the end he kills Bandera; were you expecting nuance in this lame-ass movie? There’s also Linda Blair as a cop, but nobody cares (sorry Linda Blair, I’ll get to The Exorcist and/or Repossessed some day).

There are many reasons this is a memorable movie. The aforementioned hideous ponytail. It’s directed by David DeCoteau, a gay director I love to hate who has garbage like A Talking Cat!?! and the homoerotic 1313 series under his belt. Derek gets his gadgets from a toy store that provides weapons to secret agents, showing that writer Rory Johnston liked that idea enough to also use it in Hulk Hogan’s The Secret Agent Club. The characters can’t decide if the villain is “Bandera” or “Banderas,” putting this movie in the same category as Over the Top (an actual movie about competitive arm wrestling starring Sylvester Stallone). They use the word “infragreen” when talking about the night vision goggles, and that made up word has haunted my mind for years.

But the real reason I remember this movie is when Bandera’s personal file is brought up at The Company, the Movie Night crew noticed that it had more than what you would expect from a villain bio. Everything you’re about to read is taken word for word from the movie with all the typos and weird formatting as is. Enjoy:

You would think that a huge file like this would tell you something. Not so. I just open up my paint program and let my brain dribble out onto the monitor.

Bandera doesn’t eve exist, you know. He is just a character in a movie! I can’t believe that I’m trying to write bio on a man who doesn’t even exist.

Now I have to write a second collumn. Oh, the tedium… This paragraph won’t even have the benefit of my sense of humor. I’m so over having to

write this blurb that I can’t think of anything to say. This is a real bummer.

-Someone who clearly hated their job

There’s only one word to describe this, and that word is “art.” The movie would’ve been lost to the ages were it not for a frustrated writer, minutes away from a caffeine/cocaine crash, doing the keyboard equivalent of automatic writing. The only complaint I have is that there’s a double space after every period, so clearly whoever wrote this–presumably Rory Johnston–is a fucking sociopath.

---

Follow Me Elsewhere

• WordPress
• Twitter
• Facebook