Revisiting movies I haven’t seen in a while is interesting. Well, at the very least it is for me. I get to compare what I remember with what I don’t, and if years have passed and I’ve changed as a person–even in small ways–I might even view it completely differently. Basically this is a long winded way of saying I used to think the movie was absolutely awful, and upon watching it again it’s still bad, but, like, bad in a normal sort of way.

Vampire Boys is about gay (or bi) vampires and follows a bit of the plot of Twilight. New student meets a vampire obsessed with them, and said vampire can survive in daylight? Check to all of that. Twink Caleb moves to California for college and meets Jasin, a person equal parts vampire “hybrid” and stupid way to spell that name. Jasin thinks Caleb is the one–the person he needs to transform into a vampire in order for him and his “brothers” to continue un-living. But vampire brother Logan (played by Dylan Vox, my archenemy) thinks Jasin’s “one” is actually a woman named Tara, and Logan loses his mind over the whole thing. In the end Logan is decapitated, Tara and Caleb are both turned, and the new vampire coven tries to act super cool as the movie ends.

The movie’s a bit of a mess. It’s very Twilight-y, which is not my cup of tea, but not necessarily an invalidating fact. But where Twilight is super chaste and Mormon, this is David DeCoteau levels of gay erotica: guys making out, getting shirtless, and having sex off camera. We see Caleb in his underwear, but that’s about it for sexual content… until we get a truly amazing and out of nowhere scene. In order to not crave Caleb’s blood, Jasin and his brothers have to drink some people. Cue the introduction of two guys, a girl, and a plot contrivance. The three are out in the woods when the lady suggests a threesome, but only if the two guys get naked and makeout first. This is the only time we see dick in this movie, and it’s from a couple randos who almost immediately get killed? You’d almost think that a good chunk of the men in this were porn actors! OH, WAIT, THEY ACTUALLY WERE!

I’ve said it before–just not here–but every vampire story has unique rules for what vampires can and can’t do. Garlic and crosses don’t harm these vampires, and neither does the sun, as explained in this truly awful dialogue: “Even though I can’t feel the heat of the sun, I’m so pleased that the myths about vampires and the sun were just that: myths.” The delivery is just as bad. We also find out that Jasin is a “hybrid,” which I guess means he’s a vampire that was once a human instead of… um… Well, elders are said to suffer under the sun, but that’s all we really get. But do all these new rules work? Well… I’d say no. That line is delivered as the vampires are sunbathing, which just triggers a knee-jerk reaction in me to hate it. Is that fair? Also no, but I don’t think I’ll really change my position on that a couple more years down the road.

Next: Vampire Boys 2: The New Brood

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