The Mummy’s Kiss (2003)

Dear reader, I want you to know that I have standards for this blog. Somewhat high standards! The kind of standards where once I find out that a movie I’m watching on Amazon dot com has been severely edited, I go out and search for the intact version. And for this movie, that happened to be Pornhub, so I guess my standards aren’t all that high…

Straight to the core of it, this film is porn. Softcore lesbian porn with a story, but porn nonetheless. The plot is secondary to showing a bunch of naked women… licking each other’s breasts and caressing each other. But with absolutely no penises or penetration of any kind, because then it would be… a regular porn. I honestly don’t know who the target audience of this is. Someone who wants to watch a cheesy movie and beat off briefly every 20 minutes? There’s probably a name for that fetish and I refuse to look it up.

Anyway, the mummy of an Egyptian sorceress is brought to a college where the mask binding her powers is removed. She arises, transforms into a mostly naked woman, and after contacting Osiris and Isis finds out that her long lost lesbian lover’s double is alive in the present day (Isis is a topless white lady, by the way). So the seduction begins! Some kissing brings bi-curious coeds under her sway, and a magic talisman brings our college student protagonist closer to her. It’s up to her college professor–who the student is sleeping with–to save the day. And the day is saved! Mostly…

This had more plot than I was expecting, honestly. I skimmed through an Evil Dead porn parody once upon a time, but that appeared to be short skits breaking up extended, penetrative sex scenes. Here it’s a couple minutes of licking each other’s chest (like all lesbians do, I’m sure) before we go back to the story. Also, can we talk about how our hero college professor starts the film engaged to–as in planning on marrying–one of his students? And that several other students want him, even going topless while in the college hallways in an attempt to seduce him? Dude’s not ugly, but he’s not that hot. I don’t know, maybe they explain more in the sequel I don’t really want to watch; it was a little awkward watching porn while my husband was working from home and giving me weird looks. But such is the life of a film blogger, I suppose.


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