I did it! MCU March is officially over and I successfully talked about all 23 Marvel Cinematic Universe movies over the course of a month. I don’t know about you guys, but I am superhero-ed out. Now it’s time to sit back and watch a bunch of movies that I’ve been… Wait, what’s that? Zack Snyder’s Justice League came out last month? Zack Snyder’s Justice League IS REAL?! For fuck’s sake, that was just supposed to be a marketing stunt! It was never actually going to happen! Uuuuuuugh… Fine. FINE! In order to give the illusion of being topical, I’ll review the four hour monstrosity. But because I’m me and my brain is horribly flawed, I’ve got to review the original Justice League movie first so I have something to compare to. But that’s it, after this no more superhero movies for the rest of April!

Set after Batman Vee Superman Colon Dawn of Justice and the death of Superman (Mr. Henry Cavill), Batman (Ben Affleck) and Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot) start to realize that darker times are quickly approaching. The New God Steppenwolf (voiced by Ciarán Hinds, AKA Mance Rayder from Game of Thrones) has come to Earth to collect his Mothers–or Mother Boxes, it’s hard to tell sometimes–defeating an army of Amazons and two Atlanteans in the acquiring process. Batman realizes he and Diana aren’t enough, so they collect some new blood like the Flash (Ezra Miller), Aquaman (Jason Momoa), and Cyborg (Ray Fisher). But even that’s not going to be enough, so they use the Mother that Steppenwolf hasn’t snatched yet in order to bring Superman back from the dead. The resurrection process appears flawed until Lois Lane (Amy Adams) makes him remember his humanity. The titular Justice League rushes to stop Steppenwolf’s evil plan of destroying Earth, but it’s not until Superman arrives that they stand a chance. The team defeats Steppenwolf, who is so humiliated that he feels fear, which causes his Parademon minions to swarm him. That whole mess is teleported away, and the day is saved.

The mid-credits scene is Superman and the Flash agreeing to race, a thing I hate because what’s the point of the Flash is Superman is just as fast as him?! The post-credits scene shows that Lex Luthor (Jesse Eisenberg) has escaped from prison and meets with Deathstroke (Joe Manganiello), saying they should build a league of their own. I’m sure the next recruits will be Tom Hanks, Lori Petty, Geena Davis, Rosie O’Donnell, and Madonna, because that’s a reference everyone will understand in the year of our Lord 2021.

So this movie was a bit of a disaster. Director Zack Snyder left the project after his daughter died, and the film was handed off to Joss Whedon, the man responsible for Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The Avengers, and a number of abuse allegations. Apparently he was a nightmare to work with–especially during this movie–and his style really clashes with Snyder’s. Like, there are some moments of authentic Snyder-brand slow motion, but then other scenes are clearly just Whedon trying to replicate it. The whole movie has an uneven tone, something I describe as, “It’s a movie of brooding heroes growling broodily, and then every so often wink and do finger guns.” So my uncontroversial opinion is that Whedon did this movie no favors.

So the fans demanded the original cut to be released, a thing that would never happen considering how much work and money would have to go into “fixing” this film. Except here we are, with the Snyder Cut available on my friend’s my HBO Max account. I should’ve known the impossible could happen after The New Mutants was actually released. I know a few things about the new version, but considering that is 4 hours and the theatrical release was 2, there are way more differences that I don’t know of. So let’s have fun and guess what got cut in the new cut!

If I had to guess, just about anything adding humor or humanity will get cut. That’s just the Snyder way. The intro with Superman (complete with digitally removed mustache that looks awful) being interviewed by kids? Gone. Batman nabbing an exposition spouting thief? In the trash. The moment after the League fights Superman, when Batman quips about him “definitely bleeding,” a response to Superman mockingly asking, “Do you bleed?” There’s no chance that stays. But other stuff isn’t as clear cut. The Flash speaks mainly in one-liners, so how much of that gets the axe? Apparently Flash has a bigger role in the new film–which is a positive since he was my favorite character in the theatrical cut–so I don’t have a good guess of what stays in. Like, there’s a moment where Cyborg and Flash are digging up Superman’s grave and they discuss how they both got their powers through accidents, connecting them in a way that the rest of the team wouldn’t understand. It adds humanity to the both of them and it has Flash awkwardly try to fist bump Cyborg, so it would make sense to cut it. But it’d be a shame to lose it, unless we get enough characterization for both of them to more than make up for it, which I’ve heard is quite possible. I guess I’ll find out come Monday’s post. Yippie.

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