CONTENT WARNING: THIS IS ABOUT SOFTCORE PORN
I fully know that I have no one to blame for this but me. I went down a weird rabbit hole on Tubi and found a horror porno called Haunted Hellcats, but IMDB had never heard of it. It had heard of Paranormal Sexperiments with the same cast and crew, as did Amazon dot com. But both the Amazon and Tubi versions were too short to be the full movie, and a couple minutes into the Tubi version–like hell am I going to give Amazon any of my money over porn for straight men–it was clear that it was heavily censored. So much like The Mummy’s Kiss before it, I had to turn to porn sites to find the full movie. Was it worth it? No. No! Absolutely not! Why would you even ask that?!
The story follows Cindy, one of the dumbest people imaginable. She sees the dodgy psychic Madame Zola for advice. Cindy’s fortunes change soon after when the estate of the deceased Lady Dracovich is bequeathed to her because… Cindy was the first to like the MySpaceBook post about her passing. Anyway, she tells her teacher, Professor Gordon about this. Gordon and his student lover, Kathy, plan on stealing Dracovich’s occult book. Cindy and her roommate, Sara, move into Dracovich’s estate where Cindy immediately gets possessed by the ghost. Dracovich’s lawyer, Cosgrove, shows up and a possessed Cindy indicates she knows he killed Lady Dracovich. We then cut back to Zola, who senses something wrong and rushes to help Cindy. Kathy gets ahold of the book, but is instantly possessed. Turns out Cosgrove killed Dracovich in order to stop her evil, and thinks she’s foiled because she needed a male sacrifice. Well, he didn’t know about Gordon, and finds an evil ritual in progress while Lady Dracovich watches. Cosgrove does… something, which stops the ritual. He apparently also set the house on fire, so everyone–no longer possessed–has to run.
Wait, sorry, I seemed to have skipped some stuff. That’s the summary for the 42 minutes version of the film on Tubi. Here’s the plot of the full 1 hour 21 minute version:
Cindy sees the dodgy psychic Madame Zola for advice, AND THEN THEY HAVE SEX. Cindy’s fortunes change soon after when the estate of the deceased Lady Dracovich is bequeathed to her because… Cindy was the first to like the MySpaceBook post about her passing. Anyway, she tells her teacher, Professor Gordon about this, WHO THEN HAS SEX WITH A STUDENT. Gordon and his student lover, Kathy, plan on stealing Dracovich’s occult book. Cindy and her roommate, Sara, move into Dracovich’s estate where Cindy immediately gets possessed by the ghost AND THEN HAS SEX WITH SARA. Dracovich’s lawyer, Cosgrove, shows up and a possessed Cindy indicates she knows he killed Lady Dracovich. AFTER MASTURBATING IN THE SHOWER we then cut back to Zola, who senses something wrong and rushes to help Cindy. A POSSESSED CINDY HAS SEX WITH PROFESSOR GORDON WHILE KATHY HAS SEX WITH LADY DRACOVICH’S GHOST. Kathy gets ahold of the book, but is instantly possessed. Turns out Cosgrove killed Dracovich in order to stop her evil, and thinks she’s foiled because she needed a male sacrifice. Well, he didn’t know about Gordon, and finds an evil ritual in progress THAT INVOLVES KATHY AND CINDY FUCKING GORDON while Lady Dracovich watches. SARA JOINS IN, AS DOES MADAME ZOLA. Cosgrove does… something, which stops the ritual. He apparently also set the house on fire, so everyone–no longer possessed–has to run.
I’m kind of fascinated with softcore porn. They work so hard to be as erotic as possible while dealing with an apparent ban on any clear shots of genitals. Tits and ass? Galore. My cup runneth over. But this film used just about every trick to not show Gordon’s dick short of him having a strategically placed banana on his desk. Even the masturbation scene showed as little as they could, which is… kind of impressive. So many shots were presumably ruined because that darned vagina showed up in frame, so the fact that the sex scenes were as long as they were–almost half the movie’s length–is a bit of a wonder. But that’s the only credit I can give this movie. The special effects were minimal, the story was barely there, and the acting was dubious all around. At one point Madame Zola says of Lady Dracovich’s ghost, “She wants me out of the way… In the way I must get!” I realize that’s more on the writer than on her, but points deducted all around.
So the difference between the full version and the Amazon/Tubi cut versions is just the sex scenes. The threadbare plot is still there so all you’re missing is watching girls get eaten out over and over. But if you want the full version, I found it on Online Movie 4U dot org, which is a bit sketchy since I’ve never heard of it before. I don’t think the site did anything malicious to my computer, but if you’re in the market for 85% off of official Ray Ban sunglasses, click this link before the offer expires!
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