Category: 2014
The year Russia annexed Crimea, causing their suspension from the G8 and a whole lot of other shit.
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Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones (2014)
People who have been following Paranormal Octoberty may have seen me mention the idea of time traveling witches while talking about the Paranormal Activity franchise. What a weird thing to bring up in a series about demons attacking families and possessing people, right? Well, as it turns out, there are time traveling witches in Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones, which is either the fifth main film or the first spin-off, depending on how you keep track of it. Maybe both? Let’s go with both. Both is good. This movie, however, is not as good.
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Not Cool (2014)
So it was my friend’s birthday last week. He’s part of Movie Night–he’s actually the guy who started it in his parents’ basement–and wanted to watch something truly awful in celebration. Just some absolute dog shit. And I thought, hey, I know something that is supposed to be irredeemably bad! And so we watched Not Cool, a film that was made by a YouTuber as part of a reality show. And I hated it so much. So, so much.
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Beethoven’s Treasure Tail (2014)
And now the end is near and so I face my final curtain. We’ve reached the 8th and final–as of time of writing–Beethoven movie. We started with one family, shifted to their cousins in Beethoven’s 3rd, swapped over to a different cousin in Beethoven’s 5th, rebooted the entire franchise in Beethoven’s Big Break, and had a pointless Christmas side story of dubious canonicity in Beethoven’s Christmas Adventure. Does this overly long franchise end on a bang instead of a whimper? Why would you ever seriously ask that question. Of course it doesn’t.
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Boy Meets Girl (2014)
When covering queer movies during Pride Month, I don’t really have any sort of “diversity checklist.” I pick a queer movie–half of which I’ve seen before–and then I talk about it. But being a gay male, my preference skews towards movies about gay males. Well not this week! I’m kicking off this mini-theme with a film about a trans girl, and get this: she’s actually played by a trans actress! Fucking groundbreaking, I know.
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Godzilla (2014)
I can’t do anything easily, can I? I’m already a month late to reviewing Godzilla vs. Kong, and yet I feel the need to start at the beginning of the so-called MonsterVerse cinematic universe with 2014’s Godzilla, AKA the one I think is the least good. I mean, it’s not the worst Godzilla movie ever–I hate you so much, Gabara and will NEVER forgive you for existing–but of the four films in this new franchise, it’s the weakest, in part because it shows as little of Godzilla as possible.
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Guardians of the Galaxy (2014)
The previous film in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, saw trust betrayed when it was revealed that Hydra had been a part of SHIELD all along, leading to SHIELD’s dissolution and changing the landscape for all Earth-based heroes. But enough of that serious shit, let’s have wacky space adventures! Welcome back to MCU March; let’s talk about Guardians of the Galaxy.
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Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014)
I know I basically said that Thor: The Dark World was a turning point for the Marvel Cinematic Universe, but that’s more a collection of little details. Captain America: The Winter Soldier, however? This is a huge moment in the franchise, splitting everything into “films before” and “films after.” It’s also the first MCU film by the directors of several episodes of Community, Mr. Joe and Mr. Anthony Russo. Oh yeah, they both directed the pilot and Joe also directed Advanced Dungeons & Dragons, A Fistfull of Paintballs, and For a Few Paintballs More. That probably explains why Abed was…
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Suburban Gothic (2014)
As promised in the Excision post, today we’re talking about Suburban Gothic. Outside of Excision I have not actually seen anything featuring Mr. Matthew Gray Gubler. I didn’t get into Criminal Minds and the Alvin and the Chipmunks quadrilogy is reserved for a week when I just want to suffer. But I knew of him through memes, so I was excited to watch this. Add in Kat Dennings–now featured in WandaVision which I talk about the day after each new episode–and we have a recipe for a good time! It’s just a shame, then, that the movie was… fine. It’s…
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Left Behind (2014)
I am not a very religious man, but when I was younger I read several book in the Left Behind series by Tim LaHaye and Jerry B Jenkins. If you haven’t heard of them, they were the story of those suffering through the 7 years of the Great Tribulation. I think I got up to Assassins, the sixth book where the Antichrist gets shot in the head (he gets better), before the HEAVY religious overtones were just too much for me. But they made movie adaptations of the series, so let’s dive into another shitty movie starring Mr. Kirk Cameron!…
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Saving Christmas (2014)
“The Star Wars Holiday Special inspired me to do this,” is a dangerous statement and sounds like something a guy acting as his own lawyer would tell a judge. But a while ago I asked around on social media what people thought was the worst movie they had ever seen, and one person responded with the Holiday Special. Worst ever, hm? What if I reviewed a bunch of movies like that? What if I spent all of January reviewing absolute dogshit movies, and Mr. Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas being (as of writing) #6 on the IMDB Bottom 100 would be…
Chwineka Watches 