Christams Twister (2012)

I don’t normally include screenshots with my reviews, but I needed you all to know that the typo in today’s title isn’t my mistake. This movie got its own title wrong in the opening credits! Are you fucking serious?! Don’t believe me? It’s currently on Tubi, so go see for yourselves! It’s bad enough that Christmas Twister was renamed F6: Twister for the DVD release AND that it stars Mr. Casper Van Dien–a sure sign that it’s bad–but they didn’t even give the title a second look over? By writing up this post, I have put more effort into this movie than any of the creators. Fucking hell.

So Christams Twister or whatever follows Casper Van Dien and his family. Casper is a meteorologist focusing on tornados and is currently on the outs with his reporter wife. Don’t worry, this is a bad made for TV movie so you know that they make up before the end and whatever caused the rift will be completely ignored. Anyway, Casper believes that global warming is going to cause deadly off-season tornados but no one believes him. Until deadly off-season tornadoes hit. Because of global warming. His daughter skips school and is stuck at a mall when one hits, and she watches helplessly as the boy she likes gets sucked up and dies. He’s never mentioned again and she gets over it real fast. Once we’ve established that she’s okay, we have the son immediately disobey orders and nearly dies as a result. But once it’s established that he’s okay, then we cut to the wife in yet another near death situation. But she’s fine too. So is the pregnant lady she was with. Hell, even the dog’s fine. The only people who die are nameless rubberneckers, the daughter’s not-yet-boyfriend, and a smug weatherman. Good riddance.

I honestly don’t know what to say about this movie that can’t be summed up with “they misspelled the name of their own movie.” Look, I’m always willing to drag Van Dien and his shitty films (like The Curse of King Tut parts 1 and 2), but this time it feels like shooting fish in a barrel. To make it even sadder, there are two other tornado/hurricane movies on Tubi–500 MPH Storm and Fire Twister–that also star Van Dien. And no, none of them are sequels or otherwise related beyond theme and lead actor. Not even production companies! The man will apparently accept any script you give him, no matter how bad it is. What a sad existence.


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