Tag: christmas
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The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)
Merry Christmas! My gift to you is me rambling about aspect ratios. No, you can’t exchange it for something else. So anyway, you’ve probably heard of “widescreen” versus “full screen.” Full screen is an aspect ratio of 4:3 (if the width is 4 units, then the height is 3 units), creating close to a square. This was the format of most early television shows and a lot of movies got cut down to that for a home release, either losing things on the sides or forcing editors to make awkward shifts to keep the action on the smaller screen. Case…
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Christmas Wedding Planner (2017)
I am a glutton for bad movies, and for better or worse my friends are well aware of this. So much so, in fact, that a dear friend needed me to check out this movie. Yes, needed. It seemed like your typical “Christmas romantic TV movie,” but then I looked at the ratings. Wow! This is apparently one of the worst Christmas movies ever made? I ask because that’s a bold claim. But does it live up to that…? I mean, it’s no Red Christmas–where an aborted fetus all grown up named Cletus tries to kill his family–but this is…
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The Polar Express (2004)
I want to start by saying that we have a lot to thank Robert Zemeckis for. He wrote and directed Back to the Future, its sequels, and directed the… Back to the Future Saturday morning cartoon? That has to be a typo. Anyway the man is a legend! Buuuuut… holy crap, his animated movies are unpleasant to look at. It also doesn’t help that the story at the heart of The Polar Express is also pretty blah.
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Santa’s Little Helper (2015)
Once upon a time, my guilty pleasure was watching WWE wrestling (I’ve previously talked about it in the Scooby-Doo! and WWE: Curse of the Speed Demon post). But even that doesn’t fully explain why I bought a physical DVD of a Christmas comedy starring The “The Miz” Miz, AKA Mr. Mike Mizanin, AKA The Miz. He’s not my favorite wrestler. He’s not even in my top 10! The only lists he tops are “most punchable faces” and “best example of self-absorbed heels!” But this also features Saraya-Jade “Paige” Bevis, one of my favorites. And she’s the sinister rival. With hilariously…
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Christams Twister (2012)
I don’t normally include screenshots with my reviews, but I needed you all to know that the typo in today’s title isn’t my mistake. This movie got its own title wrong in the opening credits! Are you fucking serious?! Don’t believe me? It’s currently on Tubi, so go see for yourselves! It’s bad enough that Christmas Twister was renamed F6: Twister for the DVD release AND that it stars Mr. Casper Van Dien–a sure sign that it’s bad–but they didn’t even give the title a second look over? By writing up this post, I have put more effort into this…
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Dolly Parton’s Christmas on the Square (2020)
Full disclosure, I recently kind of forgot that Netflix existed. It’s one of my browser shortcuts, for fuck’s sake! I’ve been so focused on the amazing garbage Tubi is constantly offering that new releases people would actually have heard of were slipping me by. Case in point, did you know that Mrs. Dolly Parton had Netflix-original Christmas musical that came out at the end of November? Because I didn’t! But I do now, so here we go!
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Black Christmas (1974)
We’re going old school today! While the original Black Christmas was not the first movie involving what we today would refer to as a “slasher” killer (the original The Texas Chain Saw Massacre came out the same year), it helped popularize the horror subgenre. But is this film really about Christmas? Absolutely not. It would’ve been just as easy to set it during spring break. But it happens right before Christmas, so here we are, talking about it in December. Merry technicality!
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Fatman (2020)
My dear readers, when I heard that there was going to be a movie featuring Mr. Mel “Sugar Tits” Gibson as Santa Claus, I got excited. And Walton Goggins (the other, other villain of The Ant-Man and the Wasp) was going to be an assassin hired to kill him? And the person who hired him was a child pissed off that he got coal? Holy shit, this sounds amazing! An action comedy about trying to murder Santa! What could go wrong? Well, for starters, calling this movie a “comedy” would suggest that there are any jokes in it, of which…
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The Spirit of Christmas (2015)
Ah, Christmas… It’s a magical time of year overflowing with romantic opportunities. Or at least that’s how it is in Lifetime original movies where the only gift the female lead needs to buy is for her love interest, friends and family be damned. These movies generally follow a plot of “woman sad, woman meet man, woman kiss man in snow,” but when a film breaks with that pattern, sometimes true magic happens. So let’s talk about a Lifetime movie where a lady wants to fuck a Christmas ghost!
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Happiest Season (2020)
Does anyone else have trouble remembering the name of this movie? I keep thinking this is called something like Make the Yuletide Gay, but that’s a 2009 movie about gay dudes. Happiest Season just slips out of my brain every time I look away, and hopefully I’ll remember it better after writing this post. Oh, right, it’s December so I’m gonna review a bunch of Christmas movies, and we’re starting with a good and gay one.
Chwineka Watches 