Category: Reviews
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Against the Dark (2009)
Have you ever read a movie’s summary or watched a trailer and though, “Oh, this is going to be awful”? I get that feeling a lot–most recently I’m looking at you, Joe Bell. In this particular case, picture this: Mr. Steven Seagal well past his prime, wielding a katana, fighting vampires. That sounds awful! Amazingly awful! Add in a director known for Donnie Darko (as the camera operator) and a writer who never wrote any other full length films and you have a recipe for disaster. Steven Seagal is… Against the Dark!
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What If…? – Season 1, Episode 4
I know I said that last week’s episode, “What If the World Lost Its Mightiest Heroes?” was my new favorite episode of What If…?, but that’s no longer the case. “What If Doctor Strange Lost His Heart Instead of His Hands?” continues the series’ fine tradition of clunky episode titles, but it delivers a compelling tale of love and loss that also actually involves the Watcher! You know, the omniscient narrator of the whole thing? He gets to actually do something! Kind of.
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Beethoven’s Treasure Tail (2014)
And now the end is near and so I face my final curtain. We’ve reached the 8th and final–as of time of writing–Beethoven movie. We started with one family, shifted to their cousins in Beethoven’s 3rd, swapped over to a different cousin in Beethoven’s 5th, rebooted the entire franchise in Beethoven’s Big Break, and had a pointless Christmas side story of dubious canonicity in Beethoven’s Christmas Adventure. Does this overly long franchise end on a bang instead of a whimper? Why would you ever seriously ask that question. Of course it doesn’t.
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Beethoven’s Christmas Adventure (2011)
I think this little game has gone on long enough, don’t you? Since I started reviewing all the Beethoven movies, I’ve been playing coy with how many films are actually in the franchise. For those keeping track this is the 7th film so far, and I’m happy to announce that this is the penultimate one. Yup, Beethoven’s Treasure Tail is the 8th and final movie–as of time of writing–so we’re so close to being done! I’m almost free from this self-imposed prison of having to rewatch these films! We just have to get through the one that decided it was…
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What If…? – Season 1, Episode 3
In the comics, What If? stories don’t typically have happy endings. Sure, there are exceptions like “What If the Thing Had Continued to Mutate?” (What If? #37, 1983) where Ben Grimm ends the story back in his human body and his girlfriend regained her ability to see. But in that same issue, “What If the Beast Had Truly Become a Beast?” sees Hank McCoy get dropped off in the Savage Land–a jungle filled with dinosaurs–because he had lost all of his intelligence and humanity. The first two episodes of What If…? definitely had their sad moments, but things generally worked…
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Beethoven’s 5th (2003)
In a sane world, this would be the last Beethoven movie. Sure, in a saner world there would would only have been the original movie and none of these sequels, but either way that’s not the world we live in. No, when both The Land Before Time and Air Bud franchises have 14 movies each, we clearly live under the oppressive boot of capitalism, taking your nostalgia and trying to wring as much profit out of it as it can. So here we are with Beethoven’s 5th, the film that feels like a Scooby-Doo episode. Maybe that’s why I didn’t…
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Beethoven’s 4th (2001)
Were you aware there was a fourth Beethoven film? I can’t really say that I did before buying the complete Beethoven DVD collection for a friend. But are you ready for a bigger shock? Not only is this not the last movie about this particular big dog, but it’s not even the last of the numbered movies. But the franchise reboot is a post for another day; today we’re still with the new Newtons from Beethoven’s 3rd and the worst version of the dog. Oh joy.
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Beethoven’s 3rd (2000)
The Beethoven movies are apparently lucrative. The first film, Beethoven, was popular enough that a sequel, Beethoven’s 2nd, was quickly made for release the next year. Sure, the second one didn’t get very good reviews, but that never really stopped anyone before. It did seem to put off any more sequels for while, though; Beethoven’s 3rd came out 7 years after its predecessor. It was straight to DVD and had none of the original cast. But how do you tell the story of this particular dog, beloved by his family, if you don’t have that particular family? Why, you mail…
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What If…? – Season 1, Episode 2
Death is an inevitable part of life. We all ultimately die, and once you’re dead there will be a collection of “the lasts” left behind: the last conversation you had with someone; the last meal you had; and for actors, the last project they worked on. In honor of the life of Mr. Stan Lee, comic writer and creator of too many characters to name here, Captain Marvel opened not with the normal Marvel logo, but a memorial montage of him. And then there’s Chadwick Boseman, star of Black Panther who died one year ago of cancer. While Ma Rainey’s…
Chwineka Watches 