Category: 2009
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Paranormal Activity (2009)
Happy Halloween… month! It’s that time of year where the evils of living in a world where skeletons and pumpkins aren’t common decorations are exorcized from my body and I go from a shriveled, cobweb-covered husk of a man to a halfway functioning person; think King Theoden in Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. Anyway, it’s time for my annual horror event, and this year it’s Paranormal Octoberty, highlighting a month of ghosts and/or demonic possession. What, you thought I’d review something more mainstream like Halloween? Oh, you sweet summer child, why would I review that franchise in October?…
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Saw VI (2009)
Man, whoever would’ve guessed the sixth entry of a franchise where the main character died in the third movie would be lackluster? Saw VI continues beating a dead horse with rising stakes that aren’t engaging, some heavy handed–and bad–takes on morality, and continuing to idolize a fucking hypocrite. Having a lot of fun over here with Saw-mhain, for sure!
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Survival of the Dead (2009)
Survival of the Dead was Mr. George A Romero’s last film he directed before passing in 2017. The man is an absolute legend in the horror genre, effectively creating the zombie subgenre as we know it today. Night of the Living Dead will most likely forever be looked at as a classic. As for all his other movies? Wildly varying quality with Survival being one of his worst. Whoops.
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Make the Yuletide Gay (2009)
Oh, you thought you I was done with Christmas movies just because the 25th had come and gone? Nope! This month had several interruptions to the theme, so I’m making up for it by finishing the week off with a few more holiday films. And hopefully some good ones since January’s theme is… it’s going to be bad. I honestly don’t know if I can keep it up through all of that month.
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The Descent: Part 2 (2009)
Happy Halloween! I know I usually do movie posts on weekdays, but today is a very special day. Not only is it my favorite holiday, but this is my 400th post! Not including “basic information” stuff, but still! My 100th post was Viktor un Viktoria because I wasn’t paying attention, my 200th was Collateral Beauty back in January (#ReleaseTheChwinekaCut), and my 300th was Vampire Boys 2: The New Brood during Pride Month because I again wasn’t paying attention. Now here we are with The Descent: Part 2, which you probably figured was a sequel to The Descent, a movie I…
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Book of Blood (2009)
Not every movie in this interlude near the middle of the Hellbound Halloween is going to have ties to Hellraiser. The previous two films–Nightbreed and Lord of Illusions–are connected through comics and novels, but that still counts (sort of). Book of Blood, however, is just a ghost story. It does have ties to other films, but no obvious connection to Pinhead and his ilk. They can’t all fit the theme perfectly.
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Tell Tale (2009)
I want to say that I found this movie by looking up superhero movies. Tell Tale is a film written by Mr. Dave Callaham, who is credited as the writer on Wonder Woman 1984, Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings, and the upcoming Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse 2. Hell, Callaham also wrote 2021’s Mortal Kombat and all four The Expendables movies–no, you’re not having a stroke, the fourth one hasn’t come out yet. Or that I found it looking up movies based on Edgar Allan Poe stories. All those are things I would talk about here, so it…
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Against the Dark (2009)
Have you ever read a movie’s summary or watched a trailer and though, “Oh, this is going to be awful”? I get that feeling a lot–most recently I’m looking at you, Joe Bell. In this particular case, picture this: Mr. Steven Seagal well past his prime, wielding a katana, fighting vampires. That sounds awful! Amazingly awful! Add in a director known for Donnie Darko (as the camera operator) and a writer who never wrote any other full length films and you have a recipe for disaster. Steven Seagal is… Against the Dark!
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Feast III: The Happy Finish (2009)
All good things must come to an end, and this is especially true of so-so things. Feast was a fun romp, Feast II: Sloppy Seconds overstayed its welcome, and now we have Feast III: The Happy Finish. Is that a sex thing? I immediately think “happy ending,” but that would indicate that someone makes it out of this franchise unscathed. Urban Dictionary says it’s a handjob thing, so I’m going with that interpretation. And with that lovely mental image, let’s finish this.
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Taintlight (2009)
I love my friends, I really do. When I asked around about what people thought was the worst movie they’d ever seen I got some of the usual suspects, but enough of my friends are fucking weirdos like me that I got a few rare cuts as well. One of them was Taintlight, a cheap and ugly parody of Twilight (a movie I have now mentioned on this blog 6 times so I’m now contractually obligated to cover it before the new year is over). How ugly? Well…
Chwineka Watches 