Tag: family matters
“I don’t have friends, I got family.”
-Furious 7 (2015)
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Malignant (2021)
Look, I don’t want to pat myself on the back too much. This blog already is a bit of an ego trip, but I’m just a normal guy. I put my pants on one trite quote at a time. However, after hearing that the twist in Malignant was supposed to be completely surprising, I figured it out in something like 20 minutes. What, like it’s hard?
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Remember Me (2010)
Sometimes one particular moment stands out in a movie and that’s all you remember. When I think the movie Plankton, it takes me a moment to remember the “plot” as I’m immediately focusing on the scene where one girl has caviar oozing out of her vagina as she shouts to the eggs that Mommy loves them. This is also the case with Remember Me, a movie starring Mr. Robert Pattinson that came out in the middle of the Twilight franchise. Before I watched this movie for the third time for this post, I couldn’t remember any plot details other than…
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Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings (2021)
A lot of people were prepared for Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings to underperform. Beyond the chuds who predict any film not starring a white male will fail, we’re still in the middle of a pandemic and theaters–enclosed spaces where you and up to a hundred strangers sit for hours, sharing the same air–aren’t as popular as they used to be. But the naysayers can suck it! In addition to having a pretty good opening overall, Shang-Chi is now the highest grossing Labor Day opening weekend box office, earning over triple the previous top film, 2007’s Halloween.…
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Beethoven’s Treasure Tail (2014)
And now the end is near and so I face my final curtain. We’ve reached the 8th and final–as of time of writing–Beethoven movie. We started with one family, shifted to their cousins in Beethoven’s 3rd, swapped over to a different cousin in Beethoven’s 5th, rebooted the entire franchise in Beethoven’s Big Break, and had a pointless Christmas side story of dubious canonicity in Beethoven’s Christmas Adventure. Does this overly long franchise end on a bang instead of a whimper? Why would you ever seriously ask that question. Of course it doesn’t.
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Beethoven’s Christmas Adventure (2011)
I think this little game has gone on long enough, don’t you? Since I started reviewing all the Beethoven movies, I’ve been playing coy with how many films are actually in the franchise. For those keeping track this is the 7th film so far, and I’m happy to announce that this is the penultimate one. Yup, Beethoven’s Treasure Tail is the 8th and final movie–as of time of writing–so we’re so close to being done! I’m almost free from this self-imposed prison of having to rewatch these films! We just have to get through the one that decided it was…
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Beethoven’s 5th (2003)
In a sane world, this would be the last Beethoven movie. Sure, in a saner world there would would only have been the original movie and none of these sequels, but either way that’s not the world we live in. No, when both The Land Before Time and Air Bud franchises have 14 movies each, we clearly live under the oppressive boot of capitalism, taking your nostalgia and trying to wring as much profit out of it as it can. So here we are with Beethoven’s 5th, the film that feels like a Scooby-Doo episode. Maybe that’s why I didn’t…
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Beethoven’s 4th (2001)
Were you aware there was a fourth Beethoven film? I can’t really say that I did before buying the complete Beethoven DVD collection for a friend. But are you ready for a bigger shock? Not only is this not the last movie about this particular big dog, but it’s not even the last of the numbered movies. But the franchise reboot is a post for another day; today we’re still with the new Newtons from Beethoven’s 3rd and the worst version of the dog. Oh joy.
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Beethoven’s 3rd (2000)
The Beethoven movies are apparently lucrative. The first film, Beethoven, was popular enough that a sequel, Beethoven’s 2nd, was quickly made for release the next year. Sure, the second one didn’t get very good reviews, but that never really stopped anyone before. It did seem to put off any more sequels for while, though; Beethoven’s 3rd came out 7 years after its predecessor. It was straight to DVD and had none of the original cast. But how do you tell the story of this particular dog, beloved by his family, if you don’t have that particular family? Why, you mail…
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Beethoven’s 2nd (1993)
I’m back with more Beethoven movies! Yes, the franchise with fewer films than Air Bud and Air Buddies (14) continues on with its first sequel. I imagine this was made because the first Beethoven made back 8 times its budget, and money talks. As we get further into the franchise I’m going to start assuming that “a desire for money” is the main motivator behind ideas like “Beethoven, but The Prince and the Pauper” or “Beethoven, but with Christmas magic.” But those are future reviews; today we’re going to talk about the one with an attempted sexual assault and a…
Chwineka Watches 