Category: 3.0 stars
It was fine.
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The Lighthouse (2016)
Today’s film is… wait a second… The Lighthouse? Didn’t I already cover that in October? This must be a different movie with the same title, then. Lemme read the description: “Two men fight for their lives and their sanity when they’re trapped in a remote lighthouse for months while a freak storm rages and tragedy strikes.” Huh. That, uh… That sure does sound like The Lighthouse. But this came out a few years before and stars no names I recognize–the two leads here were in Star Wars VIII: The Last Jedi as “Captain Whose Seige Dreadnought Gets Bombed at the…
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Santa’s Little Helper (2015)
Once upon a time, my guilty pleasure was watching WWE wrestling (I’ve previously talked about it in the Scooby-Doo! and WWE: Curse of the Speed Demon post). But even that doesn’t fully explain why I bought a physical DVD of a Christmas comedy starring The “The Miz” Miz, AKA Mr. Mike Mizanin, AKA The Miz. He’s not my favorite wrestler. He’s not even in my top 10! The only lists he tops are “most punchable faces” and “best example of self-absorbed heels!” But this also features Saraya-Jade “Paige” Bevis, one of my favorites. And she’s the sinister rival. With hilariously…
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Dolly Parton’s Christmas on the Square (2020)
Full disclosure, I recently kind of forgot that Netflix existed. It’s one of my browser shortcuts, for fuck’s sake! I’ve been so focused on the amazing garbage Tubi is constantly offering that new releases people would actually have heard of were slipping me by. Case in point, did you know that Mrs. Dolly Parton had Netflix-original Christmas musical that came out at the end of November? Because I didn’t! But I do now, so here we go!
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Mr. Right (2015)
I want to get something out of the way before we begin: No, Ian, this is not a sequel to 1996’s Mr. Wrong, a film where a still closeted Ms. Ellen DeGeneres has to fend off the stalker Bill Pullman. I see what you did there, but no. What this movie is instead is… weird. Like, at the time of writing I don’t have a “quirky” tag for the blog, but after this I’m giving it some seriously consideration.
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The Craft: Legacy (2020)
Alright! A day late, but we’re here! The long-awaited sequel to The Craft! I’m sure somebody wanted this, right? Anyway, 24 years later we have a… sequel? Soft reboot? An Evil Dead 2 of a movie. But how is it? Is this a movie that needed to be made? I’ll get to that eventually.
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Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest (1995)
I don’t know why I picked up every single Children of the Corn movie. It started years ago when I did Chwineka Watches 31 Netflix Horror Movies for October and all the Corn movies up to that point (minus Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice for some reason) were available for streaming. Then years later I decided to inflict it all on Movie Night, which… well it didn’t require me to pick up physical copies, but it helped facilitate watching. And now here I am, watching the whole series for a third time. Which is a long winded…
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Children of the Corn (1984)
Welcome to October of the Corn! That’s right, the same guy who skipped the X-Men: First Class movies because he was sick of franchises is jumping straight into another one right after Mummy Mondays ended. I have to do something productive with all these DVDs that I own, right? So suffer with me, because for the next 10 Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays (with one exception late in the month), we’re going to talk about no one’s favorite horror franchise. Fun!
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The Boy (2016)
I reviewed Brahms: The Boy II what feels like a decade ago, but records tell me was only… 6 and a half months ago? We were so young, back then. Anyway, wasn’t it weird that I reviewed a sequel before I talked proper about the first film? So let’s dive into the original and see if the sequel’s twist ruins everything!
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The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008)
Did you know that there was a third Mummy film starring Mr. Brendan Fraser? I’m pretty sure I didn’t before starting Mummy Mondays. Released 7 years after The Mummy Returns and not directed by Stephen Sommers–the director of the first two films–this really does feel like an unnecessary addition just so it can be called a trilogy. Which is a bit of a shame because despite this film getting negative reviews, I didn’t think it was that bad.
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X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009)
So X-Men: The Last Stand was not very good. I know, the hottest of hot takes. So I’m sure the stakes while making X-Men Origins: Wolverine were high as a result. 20th Century Fox needed to this to be good, damn it! This could be the start of an entire X-Men Origins, or possibly lead to an X-Men 4! That’s obviously not what happened, in part because this film was… Well, I’ll hold off on my opinion ’til later for dramatic effect.
Chwineka Watches 