The Amazing Bulk (2012)

One of my problems with the IMDB Bottom 100 list is that you need to meet a minimum number of ratings in order to qualify. For example, Diary of a Cannibal (the worst movie I’ve ever seen) has an IMDB rating of 1.4, lower than Disaster Movie, the movie in the #1 spot on the list with a score of 2.0. But Disaster Movie has almost 87 thousand ratings, while Cannibal has (as of writing) 746. There are so many movies worse than Disaster Movie but they don’t have enough views to show up on official “worst” lists. All this is leading to the fact that The Amazing Bulk is an amazingly bad movie that hasn’t made enough of a splash to make it on many lists. But trust me, it’s BAD.

If you couldn’t tell from the title, The Amazing Bulk is a knock-off/mockbuster of 2008’s The Incredible Hulk, though it has more in common with 2003’s Hulk. Hank Howard is a scientist working on blah blah blah, he’s dating his military boss’ daughter, blah blah blah, he gets a look on his face like a toddler shitting themselves and transforms into a rampaging beast, blah blah blah. It’s the Hulk, but done as cheaply and ugly as possible. But the differences are what matter, and here the differences are between Hulk–a movie with a budget of $187 million–and this piece of shit–one Wikipedia said had a budget of $14 thousand. And even that feels like this was an excuse to embezzle.

The villains of the movie are General Darwin, father of Hank’s girlfriend Hannah, and also a vaguely German mad scientist by the name of Dr. Kantlove. His entire joke is that he has erectile dysfunction. He blows up, like, every national monument. His wife is an idiot, feels up the Bulk’s dick, and is otherwise not relevant to the plot. But why does he blow up enough monuments so that he would become the worst terrorist in the history of the world? I already told you, because he has ED! Stop asking questions, this movie doesn’t have any answers!

The titular Bulk is a big purple computer generated monstrosity vaguely shaped like a person that Hank transforms into after being enveloped by a tornado, or something. He’s ugly as all sin. Worse than you’re probably picturing right now. Anyway, Hank gets captured by General Darwin and is used to take out Dr. Kantlove before he can destroy the moon with… a rocket with a monkey in it. I don’t know either. Kantlove is defeated, but Darwin reveals he was working with the evil scientist and decides to kill Hank by nuking him. Hank survives, shows up at Hannah’s house, and dies when he and Darwin fall off a balcony during a fight. A detective who wasn’t important enough to mention until now shows up at Hank’s grave, pees on it, and is knocked out by purple Hulk hands–as in they are literally foam Hulk Hands painted purple–letting us know Hank survived. The end.

The story is trash, but that’s not what makes this movie so bad. Everything was filmed against a green screen. EVERYTHING! There’s not a natural background in the entire movie, instead it’s all computer rendered scenes of varying quality. And by “varying quality” I mean “from bad to some of the worst shit you’ve ever seen.” The city nightscape at the beginning of the movie doesn’t look good, but that’s a masterpiece compared to a driving scene later, where everything looks like it was done in MS Paint. Fuck, they weren’t even driving in that scene! Or any scene! The actors were sitting on a couch against a green screen and a poorly drawn car was added around them later! There are several scenes of running, but it’s just the actors awkwardly jogging in place. And the finale is an extra special level of bizarre. The climax with General Darwin trying to nuke the Bulk is excruciatingly long and seems to use every free digital asset they had on hand. A pirate ship? Submarine? Koala and kangaroo? A superhero dog who becomes an angel? None of it makes sense, but they were thrown in regardless. This movie was a fucking mess, one of the ugliest things I have ever seen, and a great movie to laugh at with friends. It’s currently on Tubi, because of course it is.

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