Category: 2.0 stars
This could’ve been salvaged, maybe.
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The Exorcist: Believer (2023)
It is absolutely wild to me that an Exorcist sequel came out in the year of our Lord 2023. I know I haven’t always been the most up to date on movies, but I had no idea this movie existed until I went looking for a companion franchise for the Paranormal Activity films as part of Paranormal Octoberty. And while Paranormal Activity: Next of Kin–which came out in 2021 and I only learned about it like two years later–is supposed to be a stand-alone film, The Exorcist: Believer wants us to know that they got Ms. Ellen Burstyn. She was…
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Exorcist: The Beginning (2004)
What’s a horror franchise without a prequel? Most of them, actually, but it sure seems like nowadays we have to spend at least an hour and a half explaining shit we either had already deduced through context clues, or were the source of much heated debates in the internet’s smelliest chatrooms. I just don’t see the need for this movie, you know? But here we are, seeing the origin of Father Lankester Merrin and how exorcizing Regan was actually a piece of cake. You know, up to the point where he died… OH YEAH RIGHT WELCOME BACK TO PARANORMAL OCTOBERTY!
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Paranormal Activity 4 (2012)
We’re starting to push against the limits of the Paranormal Activity franchise, which I’ve been talking about this month as part of Paranormal Octoberty, insert shameless plug here. The first Paranormal Activity was about Katie, 2 was about the her sister Kristi, and 3 was about the two of them as children. All dealing with an invisible demon, yes yes yes, but we’ve focused on the same family for three films now. So it makes sense to jump ahead in the timeline and focus on another family! It’d also make sense if this was the end of the franchise, but…
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Madame Web (2024)
What’s this? A non-Star Wars movie, interrupting my watching of Andor? Look, I do watch other movies; if it was all Star Wars all the time I’d probably Order 66 myself. I also managed to see Madame Web in theaters on Valentine’s Day, because why not! This is the latest entry in the Sony Spider-Man Universe (SSMU) featuring Spider-Man adjacent characters. Is the SSMU a real thing or just some fan making an acronym and taking the piss? Does it really matter? The answer is no, it does not. Madame Web is not the best.
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Star Wars: Episode IX – The Rise of Skywalker (2019)
True story: While talking with friends about doing 2024: A Star Wars Event for my blogs, when it came up that I’d be rewatching The Rise of Skywalker almost every single person had the same response along the lines of, “Oof.” If the prequels not gelling with me didn’t destroy my old obsession with Star Wars, this film absolutely would’ve crushed it out of me. This movie is a mess, but let’s rip the Band-Aid off and finish this.
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Battle Beyond the Stars (1980)
So I didn’t expect to cover a “tangentially related to Star Wars” movie so early, but one of my friends brought this to Movie Night and… well, it’s very clearly piggybacking off of the hot 1977 film Star Wars. What, you’ve never heard of Battle Beyond the Stars? Well I certainly hadn’t and I gotta get this post written up before it escapes my brain. At the moment it’s getting pushed out by “I Lost My Heart to a Starship Trooper.”
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Saw V (2008)
I’ve been reading up on the Saw franchise while working through Saw-mhain, and today we have a special treat: Saw V is generally regarded as one of the worst entries in the franchise, and… yeah, I can see that. I feel like we’ve lost the plot and I don’t like Hoffman, so there wasn’t much for me in this entry. I mean, besides Ms. Julie Benz in a terrible, terrible wig. Oh hai, Darla from Buffy and Angel!
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Children of the Corn (2020)
I know, I know. I’m still on hiatus, but I had to make this post. Why? Because I am Captain Ahab and the Children of the Corn prequel/remake/reboot has been my white whale ever since it disappeared off the face of the goddamned Earth back in 2020, only to resurface recently. From hell’s heart I stab at thee! The last movie of this forsaken franchise has been seen!
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Brightburn (2019)
Okay, you guys. You guys! I have a million dollar idea. No, a billion dollar idea! Are you ready? You’re not ready, but here we go: what if–take a moment and think about this–what if… Superman… was evil? I know, right?! Groundbreaking. Revolutionary. Just think about how much–wait, what? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THIS HAS BEEN DONE A THOUSAND TIMES BEFORE?! Fuck… FUCK!! Fine! Whatever! I’ll stick with just talking about movies, then, I fucking guess.
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Return of the Living Dead: Necropolis (2005)
Whoops! This one’s a little late, but here it is. Anyway, Return of the Living Dead: Necropolis is the fourth movie in the Return of the Living Dead franchise, filmed at the same time as the fifth film, Return of the Living Dead: Rave to the Grave. And they’re both certainly movies that exist! They’re not good by any stretch of the imagination–none of these movies really are–but they’re still marginally better than Return of the Living Dead: Part II. Now I’m imagining that faint praise on a movie poster…
Chwineka Watches 