Category: 3.5 stars
Okay, it was kinda good.
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X-Men (2000)
No surprise to anyone who knows me, but I am a huge X-Men nerd. The first comic I really remember picking up was Uncanny X-Men #300, chosen after careful consideration at how the story–just kidding, it was a holographic cover and my dumb kid brain latched onto it. I was instantly hooked, absorbing just about every piece of X-Men media I could. There was the animated series, action figures, trading cards, card games, board games, and of course, enough comics that if they were to fall on me, I’d be crushed to death. As time went on I became a…
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Cube (1997)
What time is it? Looks like it’s time for a mini-event! I want to cover some trilogies (and a tetralogy or two) so expect bonus posts on Thursdays for a few weeks. And we’re starting with a series near and dear to my heart: Cube! And my “near and dear to my heart,” I mean that I saw the first one something like 20 years ago, vaguely remembered the ending, and never saw the other two. Look, I got a notification that Tubi was removing all three films by the end of July, so that lit a fire under my…
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The Curse of the Mummy’s Tomb (1964)
The theme this week is “movies I’ve been dragging my feet on watching.” We start by opening the tomb of Mummy Mondays, an event that’s been collecting dust since early March. Back before the coronavirus, I’d have people over at my house every Monday for Movie Night, a tradition we had been keeping for over a decade. But actually contracting the virus, social distancing, and high risk jobs have done what years couldn’t do: Movie Night is on indefinite hold. I could’ve watched these Mummy movies by myself at any point, but it’s the principle of it, you know? Reviewing…
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National Treasure (2004)
Who has two thumbs and actually looked at a calendar before deciding what movie to review? You’ll have to trust me on the thumbs part, but this guy! Tomorrow is the Fourth of July, and because of that I thought I should do a themed post. But what to watch? Independence Day is almost too obvious, Jaws took place during the Fourth… But I decided to go with a movie based on long standing American traditions: stealing stuff and believing conspiracy theories. LET’S STEAL THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE!
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Michael (1924)
And we have reached the last film in the Pioneers of Queer Cinema bundle! I really do recommend checking these films out, and I believe that the day I post this review (Friday, June 26th) is the last day all three are available. But when/if you purchase a movie you have between 5 and 10 days to watch it, depending on whether you pick an individual movie or the bundle. Okay, enough unpaid shilling, let’s talk about Michael, a the gay silent film of the trio.
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The Perfection (2019)
I try to be a decent person; at least, in regards to this blog. Sure, I fuckin’ swear sometimes, but I try to provide content warnings where applicable. And dear reader, I gotta warn you about this movie: there’s body horror on screen, several allusions and threats about sexual assault, and both of those are tied enough to the plot that I’m going to talk about them. I enjoyed the movie enough to give it a thumbs up, but no one’s gonna judge if you decide to skip this one.
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Cyrano de Bergerac (1950)
Have you ever talked about a thing with someone, and while you’re describing it they go, “Oh yeah! That’s THIS THING!” And you’re like, “I’ll have to take your word for it, but sure”? It happened to me once when I was describing a mobile game and was told, “That’s just Candy Crush but with a Sailor Moon theme,” and it was the same with Cyrano de Bergerac. Yes, this is a super vague hint of what’s coming Wednesday, but first…
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Horns (2013)
I honestly don’t know why I dragged my feet on this movie. Harry Potter grows horns and solves a murder, man! And it’s based on a novel by Mr. Joe Hill, the pen name of Stephen King’s son, whose last work I saw was In the Tall Grass (I’ll get to you one day, Locke & Key). If I had taken the time to look at the cast I would’ve also been blown away by names I recognize: Joe Anderson (Across the Universe), James Remar (The Blackcoat’s Daughter), Heather Graham (Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me), and more! It’s…
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Event Horizon (1997)
I have a joke with my friends that I’ve seen enough movies that I can predict dialogue and plot points. Not completely out of the blue, mind you, I’m not that good; but if everything is leading to a stereotypical line or an obvious plot trope, I’ve gotten good at noticing that the movie is heading in that direction. All this is just so I can say that I was thinking about the Hellraiser franchise long before this movie looked directly at the audience and said, “Have you seen Hellraiser? Because we definitely have.”
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Dead & Breakfast (2004)
Is this really the first zombie movie I’ve reviewed here? Huh. Makes sense, as it’s not my favorite horror subgenre and I don’t own many zombie movies, but it’s still a bit surprising. But Dead & Breakfast is not just a zombie movie, though! It’s a horror comedy about an undead spirit possessing the inhabitants of a tiny town, trying to murder everyone they come across and adding the bodies to its growing army. There’s also a zombie line dancing sequence. But let’s start at the beginning.
Chwineka Watches 