Category: 1.0 stars
Really bad.
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Triassic World (2018)
I warned you all that this was coming. Yes, I’m back talking about another mockbuster from The Asylum, this one being released just days before Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom hit theaters. Both movies are about dinosaurs, both have a hardass woman in charge, and both have an unfortunate lack of likable characters. But this one was directed by my nemesis, gay porn star Dylan Vox. Yes, I’m still mad about Vampire Boys!
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Paranormal Investigation (2018)
I don’t think it’s too much to ask for some paranormal activity (pun intended) from a movie with “Paranormal” in the title. Well, Paranormal Investigation has other ideas. Sure, it’s the story of a young adult of ambiguous age being possessed by an evil spirit, but there are zero special effects in this movie. Well, okay, there are SOME, but they’re just the cameras glitching slightly when the possessed guy walks past them, and then a mostly invisible body passing by a camera at the very end. So what else does the movie offer? Well… not much.
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The Room (2003)
I think we all knew that I would review The Room at some point. I own two copies of it because I lent a copy to a friend, forgot, bought a replacement, and then she gave it back. I’ve seen it well over two dozen times, both with the RiffTrax (the guys from MST3K providing an audio file you sync yourself) and without. I’ve read The Disaster Artist, the book Greg Sestero wrote about what a nightmare making the film was, and I’ve even seen the solid 3 out of 5 movie adaptation of that book. So I feel a…
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Plankton (1994)
So there’s a sub-genre of movies–mostly horror–that are fascinating to me in how niche they are: they have an Italian director, usually with American/English actors, and all the filmed audio is thrown out the window in favor of re-recording it in the studio later. Why do this? Some say that because the film will have to be re-dubed into foreign languages anyway, why not, but it’s still… jarring. This movie is jarring and weird.
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The Pyramid (2014)
Mummy Mondays are still on hold due to social distancing (we should be back on track next week), so this week I’m talking about The Pyramid, a movie that doesn’t actually have a mummy for the villain. I imagine The Scorpion King franchise is the same way, so it was going to happen at some point. Instead our villain is… Anubus. Like, the actual Egyptian, jackal-headed god of death. Well, that could be cool… TOO BAD IT IS NOT!
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Blubberella (2011)
So first there was Bloodrayne, one of the several video game movie made by talentless hack Uwe Boll. Next there was Bloodrayne 2: Deliverance, where Rayne fights cowboys. The trilogy ended with Bloodrayne: The Third Reich, the one where she FINALLY fights Nazis. But wait, we’re not quite done! Then came Blubberella, a scene-for-scene parody of The Third Reich where Rayne has been replaced by the titular Blubberella (played by Ms. Lindsay Hollister), an overweight dhampir. And it’s bad. Like, amazingly bad.
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The Turning (2020)
Up to a point I thought this was an okay movie. There were a couple weird decisions made early on, but whatever. Then the ending happened. Then I went home and read about the original story, The Turn of the Screw. Then I concluded that this movie was just not good.
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The Fanatic (2019)
I was going to start this post off saying that the movie hated its viewers and its characters, but after a lot of thinking I don’t believe that. The movie doesn’t care what you think or how you feel, and it doesn’t care about any of its characters. It has a story to tell about awful people doing awful things, and if you happen to be watching then I guess you’re along for the ride.
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Jacob’s Ladder (2019)
This movie has me mulling over a question about how I want to run this review blog, and about my movie watching experiences in general: do I need to see the original before I watch a reboot? Can I review a cheap and blatant rip-off/remake without having ever seen the original? Yeah, totally. I’m okay with that.
Chwineka Watches 