Blubberella (2011)

So first there was Bloodrayne, one of the several video game movies made by talentless hack Uwe Boll. Next there was Bloodrayne 2: Deliverance, where Rayne fights cowboys. The trilogy ended with Bloodrayne: The Third Reich, the one where she FINALLY fights Nazis. But wait, we’re not quite done! Then came Blubberella, a scene-for-scene parody of The Third Reich where Rayne has been replaced by the titular Blubberella (played by Ms. Lindsay Hollister), an overweight dhampir. And it’s bad. Like, amazingly bad.

Here is an incomplete list of things this movie thinks are fucking hilarious:

  • a plethora of fat jokes
  • a guy in a fish costume (who may be Matthew Lillard?!)
  • the lead actor being 5’6″
  • a parody of the movie Precious, complete with blackface
  • Uwe Boll as Hitler playing the game Risk, also weirdly featuring blackface (but this time it’s a different actor)
  • pointing out that background extras don’t have character names
  • even more fat jokes
  • not being able to find a date because all the Jewish men have been rounded up by Nazis
  • a Marlon Brando impression (because, you know, he was fat)
  • a shit ton of gay jokes
  • slapping women repeatedly
  • playing a scene from Bloodrayne 3 but adding in “silly” music
  • somehow still more fat jokes
  • and Clint Howard saying, “Well, fuck my donkey!”

As much as it pains me to say it, there were a couple moments in the movie that were funny. Thankfully I can safely assume that none of those were because of Boll; Willam Belli and Lindsay Hollister both got writing credits for their improvisations, and some of those are fun. Belli pretending to be shot to avoid participating in the final fight is cute. But even those are just dollar store plastic gems in the vat of pig shit that is this film.

And here’s a thought to haunt you: despite what you’ve probably heard, Uwe Boll is not the worst director I’ve seen. I’ve hated just about every one of his movies, but there’s someone so much worse than him. Stay tuned, cause assuming I don’t stab myself to get out of rewatching it, I’m gonna review the worst movie I’ve ever seen before the month is over. May God have mercy on my soul.

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