Triassic World (2018)

I warned you all that this was coming. Yes, I’m back talking about another mockbuster from The Asylum, this one being released just days before Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom hit theaters. Both movies are about dinosaurs, both have a hardass woman in charge, and both have an unfortunate lack of likable characters. But this one was directed by my nemesis, gay porn star Dylan Vox. Yes, I’m still mad about Vampire Boys!

The movie takes place at Triassic Labs, where hubris has led to scientists recreating dinosaurs. These are all Gojirasauruses, a type of dinosaur I at first thought the movie made up, but no, they’re real. And even from the Triassic Period! Why have scientists brought these ancient creatures back to life? To grow organs for human transplant. There’s some lame reasoning, but the idea is just a flimsy excuse to have dinosaurs run amok. Anyway, one of the Gojis escaped as we start the movie, and with the facility under lock down, our trapped characters include the head bitch in charge, a financial backer, his assistant (who is the most useless character in the entire movie), some scientists, and some guards. They start getting picked off as the Goji displays above average intelligence. Then the financial backer–who got bit on the shoulder–starts freaking out. See, in addition to getting hormone therapy so that their organs could be used in humans, some extra mad science was infused into the dinosaurs and now their bites give people Toxoplasmosis, the disease mostly known for making rats drawn to the smell of cat urine. Sure, whatever. The Head Bitch in Charge knew all about it, and is a horrible, horrible person. The nerdy scientist dies while killing the rampaging beast, but another one just happens to break out at the same time. How convenient! The new dinosaur breaks the others out, and only by gassing the building do they die. But the bioengineer survives, as does an egg because we have to leave the door open for a sequel.

I went in expecting to hate this, and Triassic World did not disappoint. So many scenes are directly ripped off from Jurassic Park, including the kitchen scene where the kids hide from the raptors (this time in a break room) and even a character saying, “Hold onto your butts.” How dare this white nerd use Samuel L. Jackson’s iconic line! And the whole thing just looks cheap. The goji puppet almost looks good, but used far more often are the CG dinosaurs, which look like ass. And don’t think I didn’t notice that the microchips the dinosaur ripped out of each other were just sticks of RAM! So pretty much par for the course from The Asylum. One day I’ll have to talk about a movie of theirs I actually enjoy…

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