A Wrestling Christmas Miracle (2020)

Mr. Ken del Vecchio is a bad man. His politics sucks, his writing sucks, his acting sucks, and the fact that he forces his kid into his movies sucks. Joker's Poltergeist was in very poor taste, A Karate Christmas Miracle, was baffling, and A Wrestling Christmas Miracle was so, so boring. The others may be worse to some people, but this was the bottom of the barrel for me.

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A Karate Christmas Miracle (2019)

Man, I have been watching some absolute garbage movies lately. Under ConTroll tried way too hard for such a lackluster "sequel," the Blood Freak remake was cheap on every level, and Joker's Poltergeist took the real life tragedy of the Aurora theater shooting and turned it into a lame horror movie. In fact, A Karate Christmas Miracle is from the same wrier as Joker's Poltergeist and reused footage from that horror flick. While I knew this would be yet another bad film, I at least assumed it'd be more coherent than Poltergeist. Oh, how wrong I was.

Joker’s Poltergeist (2016)

I just don't understand Joker's Poltergeist, AKA Joker's Wild. Arguments could be made for it being pro-gun, anti-gun, and also some weak ass middle ground just "trying to start a discussion." I'm afraid the answer may be the third option, which makes the movie being obviously inspired by the 2012 Aurora, Colorado theater shooting incredibly distasteful. Like, the main character's name is Aurora and she survives a shooting in a theater done by people in clown masks. Fuckin' yikes.

Troll 2 (1990)

Can you believe I'd never seen Troll 2 before? I know, it's kind of shocking. I'm a connoisseur of crappy movies, so somehow avoiding one of the most infamous ones is a little impressive. But Tubi is there for me with just the best selection of awful movies, so I felt it was finally time to fix this cosmic mistake. And everyone was right! This is a really bad movie!

Scream 4 (2011)

I guess it makes sense that Scream--the unoriginally titled fifth movie in the Scream franchise--came out a little over a decade after Scream 4, since Scream 4 came out a decade after Scream 3. It's the franchise that just can't stay dead and refuses to let Sidney Prescott live a happy life. No, it's a neverending parade of misery, as people around her are deranged enough that murdering people for clout seems like a good idea. I mean, it makes for a fun watch, but it's a bit depressing when you think about it too hard.

Scream 3 (2000)

I know phrases like "this was the most X entry in the franchise yet!" get tiring after a while, but by this point I've seen all four Scream movies and can fairly safely say that Scream 3 is the most meta yet. For those who don't know, "meta" is not just Facebook's rebranding, but short for "metafiction," or the idea that a piece of fiction reminds the audience that it is indeed fiction. The Scream franchise has always been a look at the horror genre as a whole, but now the focus goes to examining unnecessary sequels. It's slightly more subtle than The Matrix Resurrections, for reference, but I'll get to that another day.

Scream 2 (1997)

Man, it sure sucks to be Sidney Prescott. If it wasn't bad enough that her boyfriend tried to kill her--spoilers for the first Scream, I guess, even though I have no idea why you would read this post if you didn't know the events of the first film--but her life continues to be a nightmare over the next several sequels. The girl just can't catch a break! And so we continue the franchise with Scream 2, a sequel with some parts much better than the original, but overall just not as up to snuff. It was fine, is what I'm saying.

Scream (1996)

Good heavens, would you look at the time! Why, it's time for a franchise! And how very topical, since Scream--which is what we're calling the fifth movie because sure, why not--is coming out this month and I'm... um... hm. Okay, so the original plan for January was to watch movies by Mr. Ulli Lommel, who I fucking hate because he made some of the worst garbage I've ever seen. Then I found out that Scream was coming out on the 14th, so I canceled those plans and pivoted to the Scream franchise with the intent of wrapping it all up with the new movie. And then the Omicron variant hit and I can't shake a stick without hitting someone who's caught COVID in the past two weeks. In person hangouts are being trashed and the thought of going to a theater is just... it's too risky. But I'd already watched the first two films in anticipation of this, so here we are. 2021 is off to a great start.

Luca (2021)

The world is--arguably--a more progressive place than it was in the past. People feel safer to be their true selves--although again, that varies from place to place, so just imagine that every positive statement in this opening comes with a little asterisk next to it. And that openness is reflected in media, with queer characters appearing more and more frequently, even in stuff for kids. Enter Luca, a story about coming out and the hostility one may face in living their life.

Make the Yuletide Gay (2009)

Oh, you thought you I was done with Christmas movies just because the 25th had come and gone? Nope! This month had several interruptions to the theme, so I'm making up for it by finishing the week off with a few more holiday films. And hopefully some good ones since January's theme is... it's going to be bad. I honestly don't know if I can keep it up through all of that month.