Category: 3.5 stars
Okay, it was kinda good.
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Dominion: Prequel to the Exorcist (2005)
What’s a horror franchise without a prequel? Most of them, actually, but it sure seems like nowadays we have to spend at least an hour and a half explaining shit we either had already deduced through context clues, or were the source of much heated debates in the internet’s smelliest chatrooms. I just don’t see the need for this movie, you know? But here we are, seeing the origin of Father Lankester Merrin and how exorcizing Regan was actually… a… Wait a minute. Yadda yadda yadda, Paranormal Octoberty, what the hell is going on here?!
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Paranormal Activity 3 (2011)
So… Paranormal Activity 3 is the one of the better horror “threequels,” right? I mean, honestly, what else is in the running? Ignoring obvious losers like Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth and Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest we have a couple worth mentioning in this intro paragraph: The Exorcist III is pretty decent (but we’ll get to that later in Paranormal Octoberty), I’m not sure if Day of the Dead counts because it doesn’t have a “3” in the title but it was also pretty good, Friday the 13th Part III is only really noteworthy because that’s when…
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Paranormal Activity (2009)
Happy Halloween… month! It’s that time of year where the evils of living in a world where skeletons and pumpkins aren’t common decorations are exorcized from my body and I go from a shriveled, cobweb-covered husk of a man to a halfway functioning person; think King Theoden in Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. Anyway, it’s time for my annual horror event, and this year it’s Paranormal Octoberty, highlighting a month of ghosts and/or demonic possession. What, you thought I’d review something more mainstream like Halloween? Oh, you sweet summer child, why would I review that franchise in October?…
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Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens (2015)
Okay, enough stalling and asides. I’ve taken what should’ve been a three week project and stretched it out into five. But no more interruptions! I’m just gonna get through all three sequel movies this week. I’m not gonna cut to The Book of Henry to talk about why Mr. Colin Trevorrow lost his Star Wars movie, or something like Brick to argue that Rian Johnson has always been good, actually (although both of those are on my Star Wars-adjacent films list). And considering I haven’t seen these movies since they were in theater, this should be… refreshing? Certainly something.
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Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace (1999)
Enough stalling, let’s get on to the prequels. While I did find the various documentaries made by Mr. Robert Guenette to be informative, I didn’t initially plan on covering them so early in 2024: A Star Wars Event. But I give you my word that I won’t be interrupting the prequel Star Wars films with whatever documentaries I can find. So let’s begin with Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace, I movie that was better than I remember it being! Except for, you know… him.
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SP FX: Special Effects – The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
This documentary made me sad, and I have no one to blame but myself. Not that it’s depressing or anything–it’s rather technical and really makes it seem that Mr. Mark Hamill’s narration comes straight off of a cue card. But rather this is all about the various special effects and techniques used while making Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back, the second Star Wars documentary directed by Robert Guenette and written by Robert Schickel (the previous one being The Making of Star Wars). But as for why I got sad, well… I’ll get to that.
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Saw X (2023)
Saw X is the–as of time of writing–latest chapter of the sprawling Saw franchise, finally reaching double digits and joining the ranks of other horror behemoths like Halloween, Hellraiser, Children of the Corn, and Friday the 13th. And like most of those franchises, the sequels are not the best. You’re typically not saving your best ideas for the tenth entry of the franchise, right? …right? Let’s wrap up Saw-mhain and answer that question.
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Spiral: From the Book of Saw (2021)
Saw-mhain is starting to wind down, meaning we’re almost at the end of the Saw franchise. We’ve had the highs of the first Saw and the lows of Saw 3D, and everything in-between. So where does Spiral, AKA Spiral: From the Book of Saw–again, not to be confused with the queer horror movie Spiral from 2019–fit in? I’m contractually obligated to say it’s good. Thumbs up! This is definitely a genuine smile!
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Saw II (2005)
This year’s monthlong Halloween event, Saw-mhain, continues! Saw was incredibly successful, both in terms of cultural influence as well as profitability, so it makes sense that there’d be a sequel. But the very next year? That’s one hell of a turnaround, but this little franchise that could would continue doing that until the seventh film, confusingly titled Saw 3D. Also, this one is the first to be directed and co-written by Mr. Darren Lynn Bousman, who would return to the franchise several times. Hmmmm, why is that name familiar…?
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2gether (2000)
So last week I talked about Brightburn being disappointing and how it made me long for–and I quote–“a mockumentary from 2000 about a fake boy band.” Very specific, right? Well let’s take a trip back two decades and talk about a forgotten… “gem” isn’t the right word because this isn’t an objectively good MTV made-for-TV movie, but it knew exactly what it was and leaned into it appropriately.
Chwineka Watches 