Evil Toons (1992)

I would like to lodge a formal complaint. I was promised porn stars in a cheesy horror movie fighting to survive against evil cartoons brought to life, and yet there was only one titular evil toon. Yes, there is the suggestion that the Knockoffronomicon has more sinister animated beasties, but I’d argue that’s still false advertising. Well att least I got to listen to some godawful rock music… Okay, maybe I should start from the beginning.

Mr. Fred Olen Ray–a man known for softcore porn and generic Christmas movies–brings us a story that opens with David Carradine attempting to strangle himself to death with a noose. Oof. If you know, you know. Not that that matters to the plot, which is about a group of porn stars co-eds hired to clean a spooky house by Dick Miller. Side note, at a later point in the movie he watches A Bucket of Blood, starring… Dick Miller. Anyway, a creepy book that’s obviously supposed to be the Necronomicon from The Evil Dead is dropped off and the girls naturally read the Latin curse inside it that brings an animated wolf to life. Who Framed Roger Rabbit this is not, and the effects are… not the worst? But not the best. Unfortunately we get about a minute of screen time for the evil toon as he kills Roxanne (Madison Stone) and steals her appearance–so he’s not even a toon for most of the film! She kills a couple people–making sure to rip the tops off of the women she slaughters–before she’s stabbed by final girl Megan (Monique Gabrielle), which transforms “Roxanne” back into a cartoon. Then David Carradine shows back up and tells Megan to throw the Knockoffronomicon into the fireplace, which not only destroys the monster but frees Carradine’s trapped spirit. It’s a thing, it doesn’t matter. Oh, and everyone else is alive again because it’s not like the cartoon monster was real! Except they wake up wherever their dead bodies had been, so… sure, whatever.

Was this a good movie? No. God no! But it knew how dumb it was and I do give it points for that. While Monique Gabrielle was probably the best actor in this (sorry, Dick Miller), I had a special soft spot for Madison Stone. She had to play two roles–Roxanne and the cartoon wolf impersonating Roxanne–and she wasn’t awful! I mean, she kind of was, but the whole thing is campy so it worked. Pretty sure she had a lot of fun, and that’s gotta count for something. I liked her enough that I wanted to see what else she did, and the answer was of course porn. But instead of watching Anal Extasy Girls, I dug deep and found out that she quit acting and later on formed a band called Kiss the Monkey. I even found her Soundcloud! Is the music good? No. God no! It ranges from almost passable (“Man on the Moon”) to material I’m pretty sure the US government used to torture detainees into giving a confession (“Super Hero” and “I Get Off on It”). But again, I’m pretty sure she had fun, which again has to count for something.

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