Beethoven’s Treasure Tail (2014)

And now the end is near and so I face my final curtain. We've reached the 8th and final--as of time of writing--Beethoven movie. We started with one family, shifted to their cousins in Beethoven's 3rd, swapped over to a different cousin in Beethoven's 5th, rebooted the entire franchise in Beethoven's Big Break, and had a pointless Christmas side story of dubious canonicity in Beethoven's Christmas Adventure. Does this overly long franchise end on a bang instead of a whimper? Why would you ever seriously ask that question. Of course it doesn't.

Beethoven’s Christmas Adventure (2011)

I think this little game has gone on long enough, don't you? Since I started reviewing all the Beethoven movies, I've been playing coy with how many films are actually in the franchise. For those keeping track this is the 7th film so far, and I'm happy to announce that this is the penultimate one. Yup, Beethoven's Treasure Tail is the 8th and final movie--as of time of writing--so we're so close to being done! I'm almost free from this self-imposed prison of having to rewatch these films! We just have to get through the one that decided it was time for Beethoven to talk.

Beethoven’s Big Break (2008)

We are six movies into this damned franchise. The series has gone on so long that this film is a reboot, showcasing a completely different dog with the same name and behaviors. Why did I do this to myself? The inevitable plan for reviewing all 14 Air Bud and Air Buddies movies is to cover them once a week, so why did I think marathoning Beethoven movies would be a good idea? I'm going to finish this--mostly out of spite--but then no more animal themed movies until at least November. Except maybe Pig.

Beethoven’s 5th (2003)

In a sane world, this would be the last Beethoven movie. Sure, in a saner world there would would only have been the original movie and none of these sequels, but either way that's not the world we live in. No, when both The Land Before Time and Air Bud franchises have 14 movies each, we clearly live under the oppressive boot of capitalism, taking your nostalgia and trying to wring as much profit out of it as it can. So here we are with Beethoven's 5th, the film that feels like a Scooby-Doo episode. Maybe that's why I didn't completely hate it?

Beethoven’s 4th (2001)

Were you aware there was a fourth Beethoven film? I can't really say that I did before buying the complete Beethoven DVD collection for a friend. But are you ready for a bigger shock? Not only is this not the last movie about this particular big dog, but it's not even the last of the numbered movies. But the franchise reboot is a post for another day; today we're still with the new Newtons from Beethoven's 3rd and the worst version of the dog. Oh joy.

Beethoven’s 3rd (2000)

The Beethoven movies are apparently lucrative. The first film, Beethoven, was popular enough that a sequel, Beethoven's 2nd, was quickly made for release the next year. Sure, the second one didn't get very good reviews, but that never really stopped anyone before. It did seem to put off any more sequels for while, though; Beethoven's 3rd came out 7 years after its predecessor. It was straight to DVD and had none of the original cast. But how do you tell the story of this particular dog, beloved by his family, if you don't have that particular family? Why, you mail him in a crate to relatives!

Beethoven’s 2nd (1993)

I'm back with more Beethoven movies! Yes, the franchise with fewer films than Air Bud and Air Buddies (14) continues on with its first sequel. I imagine this was made because the first Beethoven made back 8 times its budget, and money talks. As we get further into the franchise I'm going to start assuming that "a desire for money" is the main motivator behind ideas like "Beethoven, but The Prince and the Pauper" or "Beethoven, but with Christmas magic." But those are future reviews; today we're going to talk about the one with an attempted sexual assault and a sexual abuser!

Beethoven (1992)

Once upon a time, I found out that a friend of mine was a big fan of the movie Beethoven. You know, the one about the big, slobbery dog? Anyway it turns out it had more sequels than you would expect, so I bought him a DVD collection as a gift to him and punishment to everyone else at Movie Night. But then COVID hit and Movie Night disbanded for over a year. But once we started back up, the Beethoven movies were back on the menu! Until a few weeks ago when more COVID shenanigans started preventing us from watching the final film. I'm not saying that this DVD collection started the coronavirus, but I do think it's a cursed object, here to inflict suffering and ruin unto our world.

Alligator Alley (2013)

We've reached the end of Shark Week (or at least the version I planned back before they changed the date to July). But wait, you might say, I saw the title of today's movie, and that doesn't appear to involve sharks. And you're right! Alligator Alley--sometimes known as the infinitely better name Ragin' Cajun Redneck Gators--has absolutely no sharks in it. However, in the "Shark Bait: 6 Killer Shark Films" DVD collection, this is covered under "Plus a BONUS 7th BITE to sink your teeth into." Yup, this DVD 6 pack actually had 7 movies. What a twist!

Out (2020)

It's Pride Month, and you know what that means! It's time for corporations to slap rainbows on their logos and pat themselves on the back so hard that they'll strain something! And this applies to streaming services, too! Netflix has an LGBTQ section, although it's there year-round and isn't being advertised on the main site as of writing. Tubi actually does have their LGBTQIA+ Pride movies on the front page, but after you click the Load More button (and it's also a year-round thing). And Disney+ has... several TV shows that feature one (1) gay side character, a couple shorts with some gay themes, and a few documentaries. At least it's on the main page, though! That almost makes up for things like their consistent lack of queer representation, their ability to easily remove any overt queerness they do add in order to appease homophobic countries (and their money), and stuff like a gay man suing the company for discrimination due to his sexual orientation. Yay Pride!