Category: 2021
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Needle in a Timestack (2021)
Sure seems like there’s a trend of me watching a non-horror movie during October–a month I just devote to nothing but horror films–that makes me go, “Oh, I have to talk about this.” Last year was Are We Not Cats, and this year it’s the amazingly titled Needle in a Timestack. Teams of people read that name and thought, “This is perfectly acceptable”? Remarkable. Anyway, it’s a movie about time travel and it’s… certainly something.
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CORN (2021)
I can understand the logic behind wanting to make a knockoff movie. Something is popular, so some would want to get on the bandwagon before interest dies down. But CORN is just… confusing. Sure, there’s the 2020 Children of the Corn prequel/reboot, but apparently only 10 people saw it and I’m not sure if it will ever have a digital release (trust me, I’ve spent a lot of time looking into it). And as I have said multiple times, Children of the Corn is nobody’s favorite horror franchise. But it’s okay! Because CORN’s plot has absolutely nothing to do with…
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What If…? – Season 1, Episode 9
So you might notice that I have not ascended to godhood. While I did correctly guess that What If…?’s eighth episode would be titled “What If Ultron Won?” I was wrong about the title of the final episode. It’s actually titled “What If the Watcher Broke His Oath?” which is definitely a better title, so I’ll take that loss. Everything in the first season has been leading up to this moment, as well as something in the second season! Let’s wrap this up!
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What If…? – Season 1, Episode 8
I fuckin’ called it! Hell yeah! Sure, we all pretty much knew what this episode would be about, but I got the title exactly right! Granted, the number of titles it could’ve had was limited. But still! “What If Ultron Won?” is the name of this episode, and I got it exactly right last time. Now, if next week’s finale is titled “What If It Took a Multiverse to Save the Multiverse?” then I shall transcend the mortal plane and become a god.
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Willy’s Wonderland (2021)
I want you all to know that I tried. Around the middle of September (after watching Malignant) I took a break from horror movies. The plan was to go without until October, when I’m going to start the same thing I did last year where it’s nothing but horror movies every weekday, with a franchise running throughout the month (last year was October of the Corn). But I’m a horror junkie, man! It’s my favorite genre! So I’m starting the spooky spirit early with Willy’s Wonderland, a horror comedy starring Mr. Nic Cage. It’s dumb!
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What If…? – Season 1, Episode 7
A lot of What If…? comic stories are total downers. A bunch of real bummer buzzkills, bro! But why can’t everything just be chill for once? Sometimes it’s just nice to have an alternate reality that doesn’t harsh my vibe. I’m running out of incredibly dated slang, but the gist is that “What If Thor Was an Only Child?” is essentially a frat bro comedy about Earth’s biggest party ever, and the party poopers who are ready to nuke the site from orbit.
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What If…? – Season 1, Episode 6
You would kind of think that “What If Killmonger Rescued Tony Stark?” would be one of the first episodes of the series, since the first full trailer for the show opened with that moment. But nope! The episode that effectively nullifies the entire MCU comes two-thirds of the way through the first season. Not that I’m complaining, as the first 5 episodes have some really solid entries. But I just really wanted to see more Killmonger, you know?
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Malignant (2021)
Look, I don’t want to pat myself on the back too much. This blog already is a bit of an ego trip, but I’m just a normal guy. I put my pants on one trite quote at a time. However, after hearing that the twist in Malignant was supposed to be completely surprising, I figured it out in something like 20 minutes. What, like it’s hard?
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What If…? – Season 1, Episode 5
Breaking the tradition of the last two What If…? posts, this is not my newest favorite episode of the series. By process of elimination I think it’s actually my least favorite? But that’s not the same as “the worst”–just “my fifth favorite out of five episodes.” This wasn’t too much of a surprise, as episode 5, “What If Zombies?!” goes all in on the reanimated dead, and I’m typically lukewarm towards zombies. And for reference, Otto; or, Up with Dead People gets a pass on how gay it is and because it came out before zombies oversaturated the media landscape.
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Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings (2021)
A lot of people were prepared for Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings to underperform. Beyond the chuds who predict any film not starring a white male will fail, we’re still in the middle of a pandemic and theaters–enclosed spaces where you and up to a hundred strangers sit for hours, sharing the same air–aren’t as popular as they used to be. But the naysayers can suck it! In addition to having a pretty good opening overall, Shang-Chi is now the highest grossing Labor Day opening weekend box office, earning over triple the previous top film, 2007’s Halloween.…
Chwineka Watches 