It was only a matter of time before things got gay up in here. Last year during December I watched Happiest Season, the queer romcom about Ms. Kristen Stewart not falling for the seductive charms of Aubrey Plaza. And it was cute! Sure, two out of the three main lesbians involved in the love triangle were played by straight actors (as far as I can tell), but that's just the sad reality of movies. I mean, can you imagine a gay Christmas movie where all three in the love triangle are gay? Well I can, because that's Single All the Way. I mean, you had to see that coming.
Another week means another episode of Hawkeye, the latest Disney+ Marvel Cinematic Universe show. Last time, Hawkeye (Clint Barton) and Hawkeye (Kate Bishop) indulged their disaster-prone tendencies while trying to get back a costume he murdered a bunch of people in (Clint) and trying to find out if your future step-dad, Jack Duquesne, is a murderer (Kate). The ended up getting captured by the Tracksuit Mafia, which is led by... well, let's dive into who is Maya Lopez (Ms. Alaqua Cox).
We're back, baby! Did you miss me? Don't answer that. After taking a week off, Chwineka Watches is back to cover not one, but two episodes of Hawkeye, the newest Disney+ Marvel Cinematic Universe show! Set after Avengers: Endgame, the series sees the titular Hawkeye, Clint Barton (Mr. Jeremy Renner), seemingly having put his superhero life behind him, only to get wrapped up in a murder mystery thanks to the titular Hawkeye, Kate Bishop (Hailee Steinfeld), his biggest fan. Yes, even Hawkeye has fans. I really like Green Arrow--the DC Comics archer superhero--so it can happen.
I want to start by saying that I enjoyed Eternals. I went in with some fairly low expectations after all the mixed reviews, but I thought it was better than expected. It was fun--and not in a "so dumb it wraps back around to enjoyable" way--and despite the long run time, I never really felt it drag. But there be spoilers ahead, so keep reading at your own discretion. Like the header said, I won't spoil the big moments, but still.
Sure seems like there's a trend of me watching a non-horror movie during October--a month I just devote to nothing but horror films--that makes me go, "Oh, I have to talk about this." Last year was Are We Not Cats, and this year it's the amazingly titled Needle in a Timestack. Teams of people read that name and thought, "This is perfectly acceptable"? Remarkable. Anyway, it's a movie about time travel and it's... certainly something.
I can understand the logic behind wanting to make a knockoff movie. Something is popular, so some would want to get on the bandwagon before interest dies down. But CORN is just... confusing. Sure, there's the 2020 Children of the Corn prequel/reboot, but apparently only 10 people saw it and I'm not sure if it will ever have a digital release (trust me, I've spent a lot of time looking into it). And as I have said multiple times, Children of the Corn is nobody's favorite horror franchise. But it's okay! Because CORN's plot has absolutely nothing to do with anything resembling the plot of a CotC film! So why is is even called that? Well...
So you might notice that I have not ascended to godhood. While I did correctly guess that What If...?'s eighth episode would be titled "What If Ultron Won?" I was wrong about the title of the final episode. It's actually titled "What If the Watcher Broke His Oath?" which is definitely a better title, so I'll take that loss. Everything in the first season has been leading up to this moment, as well as something in the second season! Let's wrap this up!
I fuckin' called it! Hell yeah! Sure, we all pretty much knew what this episode would be about, but I got the title exactly right! Granted, the number of titles it could've had was limited. But still! "What If Ultron Won?" is the name of this episode, and I got it exactly right last time. Now, if next week's finale is titled “What If It Took a Multiverse to Save the Multiverse?” then I shall transcend the mortal plane and become a god.
I want you all to know that I tried. Around the middle of September (after watching Malignant) I took a break from horror movies. The plan was to go without until October, when I'm going to start the same thing I did last year where it's nothing but horror movies every weekday, with a franchise running throughout the month (last year was October of the Corn). But I'm a horror junkie, man! It's my favorite genre! So I'm starting the spooky spirit early with Willy's Wonderland, a horror comedy starring Mr. Nic Cage. It's dumb!
A lot of What If...? comic stories are total downers. A bunch of real bummer buzzkills, bro! But why can't everything just be chill for once? Sometimes it's just nice to have an alternate reality that doesn't harsh my vibe. I'm running out of incredibly dated slang, but the gist is that "What If Thor Was an Only Child?" is essentially a frat bro comedy about Earth's biggest party ever, and the party poopers who are ready to nuke the site from orbit.