Did you know that there is going to be TV show based on the character Django? Ms. Noomi Rapace is the only name I recognize in it, but stars Matthias Schoenaerts, who was... uh... DJ Cosmonaut X in Elektra, as well as being in many other movies I haven't seen. But upon the announcement a cry went up in a small section internet: "How can you have a Django TV show if the character is white?" And I can totally see where they're coming from; Django Unchained is most likely how most people today know the character. But Django--specifically the white Django--predates Unchained by almost 50 years. It's very much a Nick Fury situation. Anyway, saddle up, buckos! We're diving into some old spaghetti westerns! Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!
Hey look! It's me not falling behind on stuff! That's right, we're back with the final three episodes in the Student Council Saga for Shōjo Kakumei Utena, AKA Revolutionary Girl Utena. It's been a wild ride of Utena fighting to protect Anthy from the school's student council, who want Anthy for just about every wrong reason imaginable. The time has come for student council president Touga Kiryuu to make enact his plan against our hero, and oh what a plan it is.
You would kind of think that "What If Killmonger Rescued Tony Stark?" would be one of the first episodes of the series, since the first full trailer for the show opened with that moment. But nope! The episode that effectively nullifies the entire MCU comes two-thirds of the way through the first season. Not that I'm complaining, as the first 5 episodes have some really solid entries. But I just really wanted to see more Killmonger, you know?
Mr. Vanilla Ice was never actually cool, right? All I really know about him is that he did "Ninja Rap" for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze, he copied the baseline in "Ice Ice Baby" from Queen's "Under Pressure," and he has an enormous dick. Allegedly. I think he's more meme than man today, but was he ever actually popular to the masses? Apparently not movie audiences if the failure of Cool as Ice is any indication.
Look, I don't want to pat myself on the back too much. This blog already is a bit of an ego trip, but I'm just a normal guy. I put my pants on one trite quote at a time. However, after hearing that the twist in Malignant was supposed to be completely surprising, I figured it out in something like 20 minutes. What, like it's hard?
Sometimes one particular moment stands out in a movie and that's all you remember. When I think the movie Plankton, it takes me a moment to remember the "plot" as I'm immediately focusing on the scene where one girl has caviar oozing out of her vagina as she shouts to the eggs that Mommy loves them. This is also the case with Remember Me, a movie starring Mr. Robert Pattinson that came out in the middle of the Twilight franchise. Before I watched this movie for the third time for this post, I couldn't remember any plot details other than the twist ending where Pattinson dies in the Twin Towers on 9/11.
So, uh... hi. How have you been? It's been a while, yeah? August was a shitty month for reasons I don't want to get into and it messed up my posting schedule to the point that I dropped Sunday posts about Shōjo Kakumei Utena, AKA Revolutionary Girl Utena. But we're back up and running! I still have my friend's my very own Funimation account, so let's dive back into Utena Tenjou fighting for the honor--and ownership--of Anthy Himemiya, the character with the darkest skin in the series. Don't think about that too much.
Breaking the tradition of the last two What If...? posts, this is not my newest favorite episode of the series. By process of elimination I think it's actually my least favorite? But that's not the same as "the worst"--just "my fifth favorite out of five episodes." This wasn't too much of a surprise, as episode 5, "What If Zombies?!" goes all in on the reanimated dead, and I'm typically lukewarm towards zombies. And for reference, Otto; or, Up with Dead People gets a pass on how gay it is and because it came out before zombies oversaturated the media landscape.
A lot of people were prepared for Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings to underperform. Beyond the chuds who predict any film not starring a white male will fail, we're still in the middle of a pandemic and theaters--enclosed spaces where you and up to a hundred strangers sit for hours, sharing the same air--aren't as popular as they used to be. But the naysayers can suck it! In addition to having a pretty good opening overall, Shang-Chi is now the highest grossing Labor Day opening weekend box office, earning over triple the previous top film, 2007's Halloween. Hell yeah!
I want to say that I found this movie by looking up superhero movies. Tell Tale is a film written by Mr. Dave Callaham, who is credited as the writer on Wonder Woman 1984, Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings, and the upcoming Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse 2. Hell, Callaham also wrote 2021's Mortal Kombat and all four The Expendables movies--no, you're not having a stroke, the fourth one hasn't come out yet. Or that I found it looking up movies based on Edgar Allan Poe stories. All those are things I would talk about here, so it would make sense. But no, I discovered this obscure movie in a way that leaves me honestly feeling a bit embarrassed...