Slender Man (2018)

2021, baby! Happy New Year! After a remarkably shitty year we've entered into a new one full of possibility, and I'm starting it off by reviewing absolute dogshit. January is dedicated to movies considered to be "the worst ever." I've already touched on a few on the IMDB Bottom 100 like The Room, Cats, Batman & Robin, and even Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas earlier this week. Then there are the movies from Rotten Tomato's "The Worst Horror Movies of All Time" list, including Brahms: The Boy II, Fantasy Island, and the Jacob's Ladder remake. And I've also talked about a few that my friends have absolutely hated, such as Plankton, The Star Wars Holiday Special, and Cats... again (multiple people named that one). But is there a movie that falls on all three lists? Something IMDB thinks is the worst, Rotten Tomatoes thinks is the worst, and Movie Night watched on one of our "Worst of 20XX" nights and loathed?

Saving Christmas (2014)

"The Star Wars Holiday Special inspired me to do this," is a dangerous statement and sounds like something a guy acting as his own lawyer would tell a judge. But a while ago I asked around on social media what people thought was the worst movie they had ever seen, and one person responded with the Holiday Special. Worst ever, hm? What if I reviewed a bunch of movies like that? What if I spent all of January reviewing absolute dogshit movies, and Mr. Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas being (as of writing) #6 on the IMDB Bottom 100 would be a good transition to that since it's still December? So here we are, talking about the dork from Growing Pains doing what he does best: be insufferable.

The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)

Oh, I'm sorry, did you think that just because Christmas was over I'd stop reviewing holiday movies? Well fuck that! There's still two updates left for December, and I'm queuing up things early! Today we take a detour from Christmas movies to "vaguely Christmas-related holidays," such as the very important Life Day! It's a day where you... dress in red robes and... grab your light up snow globe and... travel to some weird void... where you scream? Whatever, it's The Star Wars Holiday Special. It doesn't matter, not like it's canon or anything.

The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)

Merry Christmas! My gift to you is me rambling about aspect ratios. No, you can't exchange it for something else. So anyway, you've probably heard of "widescreen" versus "full screen." Full screen is an aspect ratio of 4:3 (if the width is 4 units, then the height is 3 units), creating close to a square. This was the format of most early television shows and a lot of movies got cut down to that for a home release, either losing things on the sides or forcing editors to make awkward shifts to keep the action on the smaller screen. Case in point, the DVD of The Muppet Christmas Carol I have gives you the option of watching either widescreen or full screen before starting the movie, and in the full screen example you can see Peter Cratchit nearly cut out of the shot entirely. So widescreen for theatrical movies is generally better, right? Well, let me tell you why I prefer to watch this particular movie in full screen, or at least for one particular scene...

Christmas Wedding Planner (2017)

I am a glutton for bad movies, and for better or worse my friends are well aware of this. So much so, in fact, that a dear friend needed me to check out this movie. Yes, needed. It seemed like your typical "Christmas romantic TV movie," but then I looked at the ratings. Wow! This is apparently one of the worst Christmas movies ever made? I ask because that's a bold claim. But does it live up to that...? I mean, it's no Red Christmas--where an aborted fetus all grown up named Cletus tries to kill his family--but this is very bad in a different, less overt way.

The Polar Express (2004)

I want to start by saying that we have a lot to thank Robert Zemeckis for. He wrote and directed Back to the Future, its sequels, and directed the... Back to the Future Saturday morning cartoon? That has to be a typo. Anyway the man is a legend! Buuuuut... holy crap, his animated movies are unpleasant to look at. It also doesn't help that the story at the heart of The Polar Express is also pretty blah.

Santa’s Little Helper (2015)

Once upon a time, my guilty pleasure was watching WWE wrestling (I've previously talked about it in the Scooby-Doo! and WWE: Curse of the Speed Demon post). But even that doesn't fully explain why I bought a physical DVD of a Christmas comedy starring The "The Miz" Miz, AKA Mr. Mike Mizanin, AKA The Miz. He's not my favorite wrestler. He's not even in my top 10! The only lists he tops are "most punchable faces" and "best example of self-absorbed heels!" But this also features Saraya-Jade "Paige" Bevis, one of my favorites. And she's the sinister rival. With hilariously bad elf ears. Okay, I'm back on board with owning this.

Christams Twister (2012)

I don't normally include screenshots with my reviews, but I needed you all to know that the typo in today's title isn't my mistake. This movie got its own title wrong in the opening credits! Are you fucking serious?! Don't believe me? It's currently on Tubi, so go see for yourselves! It's bad enough that Christmas Twister was renamed F6: Twister for the DVD release AND that it stars Mr. Casper Van Dien--a sure sign that it's bad--but they didn't even give the title a second look over? By writing up this post, I have put more effort into this movie than any of the creators. Fucking hell.

A Recipe for Seduction (2020)

We're taking a short break from non-stop Christmas movies to review something special. This is a first on two fronts for this blog: the first review of a short film and the first review of a commercial. That's right, Lifetime and KFC partnered up to create A Recipe for Seduction, a living, breathing meme. And how could I not review it? It's just a few steps away from a televised Chuck Tingle adaptation, or a Super Bowl commercial actually making use of its budget. And it stars Mr. Mario Lopez as Harland Sanders? I'm delighted and intrigued!

Dolly Parton’s Christmas on the Square (2020)

Full disclosure, I recently kind of forgot that Netflix existed. It's one of my browser shortcuts, for fuck's sake! I've been so focused on the amazing garbage Tubi is constantly offering that new releases people would actually have heard of were slipping me by. Case in point, did you know that Mrs. Dolly Parton had Netflix-original Christmas musical that came out at the end of November? Because I didn't! But I do now, so here we go!