Tag: superheroes
“The Thing! Is his dork made out of orange rock like the rest of his body?”
– Mallrats (1995)
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Elf-Man (2012)
I think I’ve made it fairly clear by now that I watch some absolute garbage. I see a premise that sounds stupid as shit and think to myself, “Oh, I can’t not watch that.” Most of the time such trash is amusing in some way. Maybe it’s actually sometimes funny like House Shark. Maybe it’s so awful in every way that you can’t help but laugh like A Talking Cat!?!. But sometimes, when fate is feeling spiteful, I watch something that’s just so aggressively bland, it hurts my soul. Welcome to me talking about Elf-Man, a movie where Hornswoggle from…
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Hawkeye – Season 1, Episode 3
Another week means another episode of Hawkeye, the latest Disney+ Marvel Cinematic Universe show. Last time, Hawkeye (Clint Barton) and Hawkeye (Kate Bishop) indulged their disaster-prone tendencies while trying to get back a costume he murdered a bunch of people in (Clint) and trying to find out if your future step-dad, Jack Duquesne, is a murderer (Kate). The ended up getting captured by the Tracksuit Mafia, which is led by… well, let’s dive into who is Maya Lopez (Ms. Alaqua Cox).
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Hawkeye – Season 1, Episodes 1-2
We’re back, baby! Did you miss me? Don’t answer that. After taking a week off, Chwineka Watches is back to cover not one, but two episodes of Hawkeye, the newest Disney+ Marvel Cinematic Universe show! Set after Avengers: Endgame, the series sees the titular Hawkeye, Clint Barton (Mr. Jeremy Renner), seemingly having put his superhero life behind him, only to get wrapped up in a murder mystery thanks to the titular Hawkeye, Kate Bishop (Hailee Steinfeld), his biggest fan. Yes, even Hawkeye has fans. I really like Green Arrow–the DC Comics archer superhero–so it can happen.
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Eternals (2021)
I want to start by saying that I enjoyed Eternals. I went in with some fairly low expectations after all the mixed reviews, but I thought it was better than expected. It was fun–and not in a “so dumb it wraps back around to enjoyable” way–and despite the long run time, I never really felt it drag. But there be spoilers ahead, so keep reading at your own discretion. Like the header said, I won’t spoil the big moments, but still.
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What If…? – Season 1, Episode 9
So you might notice that I have not ascended to godhood. While I did correctly guess that What If…?’s eighth episode would be titled “What If Ultron Won?” I was wrong about the title of the final episode. It’s actually titled “What If the Watcher Broke His Oath?” which is definitely a better title, so I’ll take that loss. Everything in the first season has been leading up to this moment, as well as something in the second season! Let’s wrap this up!
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What If…? – Season 1, Episode 8
I fuckin’ called it! Hell yeah! Sure, we all pretty much knew what this episode would be about, but I got the title exactly right! Granted, the number of titles it could’ve had was limited. But still! “What If Ultron Won?” is the name of this episode, and I got it exactly right last time. Now, if next week’s finale is titled “What If It Took a Multiverse to Save the Multiverse?” then I shall transcend the mortal plane and become a god.
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What If…? – Season 1, Episode 7
A lot of What If…? comic stories are total downers. A bunch of real bummer buzzkills, bro! But why can’t everything just be chill for once? Sometimes it’s just nice to have an alternate reality that doesn’t harsh my vibe. I’m running out of incredibly dated slang, but the gist is that “What If Thor Was an Only Child?” is essentially a frat bro comedy about Earth’s biggest party ever, and the party poopers who are ready to nuke the site from orbit.
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What If…? – Season 1, Episode 6
You would kind of think that “What If Killmonger Rescued Tony Stark?” would be one of the first episodes of the series, since the first full trailer for the show opened with that moment. But nope! The episode that effectively nullifies the entire MCU comes two-thirds of the way through the first season. Not that I’m complaining, as the first 5 episodes have some really solid entries. But I just really wanted to see more Killmonger, you know?
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What If…? – Season 1, Episode 5
Breaking the tradition of the last two What If…? posts, this is not my newest favorite episode of the series. By process of elimination I think it’s actually my least favorite? But that’s not the same as “the worst”–just “my fifth favorite out of five episodes.” This wasn’t too much of a surprise, as episode 5, “What If Zombies?!” goes all in on the reanimated dead, and I’m typically lukewarm towards zombies. And for reference, Otto; or, Up with Dead People gets a pass on how gay it is and because it came out before zombies oversaturated the media landscape.
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Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings (2021)
A lot of people were prepared for Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings to underperform. Beyond the chuds who predict any film not starring a white male will fail, we’re still in the middle of a pandemic and theaters–enclosed spaces where you and up to a hundred strangers sit for hours, sharing the same air–aren’t as popular as they used to be. But the naysayers can suck it! In addition to having a pretty good opening overall, Shang-Chi is now the highest grossing Labor Day opening weekend box office, earning over triple the previous top film, 2007’s Halloween.…
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