Purple Hearts (2022)

Updates are gonna be spotty for a while. Such is life. But Purple Hearts pissed me off enough that I had to take time out of my actually busy schedule to rant about it.

I first heard about this piece of shit through a Teen Vogue article that basically called it callous military propaganda. Mentioning it to my friends, turns out they had heard of it because it was getting high praise from the MAGA crowd. And now that I’ve seen this movie, I can understand exactly why. The story starts with Cassie (Ms. Sofia Carson), a young woman forced to ration her insulin under threat of death. Like, the movie goes out of its way to let us know that she very well may die because we live in a capitalistic hellscape. Anyway, after finding out military wives get great health benefits and getting turned down by her best friend, Frankie (Chosen Jacobs), Cassie’s journey unfortunately gets tangled up with Luke (Nicholas Galitzine). Luke is an utter asshole–which is really saying something since this movie has a conservative bent and still thinks he’s a bit much–but something something owing money to a drug dealer, he agrees to a sham marriage with Cassie. Over time the two begin to grow close, and their positions shift. Do you see? DO YOU FUCKING SEE?? Yes, the title of the movie is from the medals awarded to injured and dead soldiers, but she’s blue! And he’s red! And together THEY HAVE PURPLE HEARTS! I hate it. Also her positions shift while he just becomes less of an ass. Slightly less. Just a teeny bit less awful.

Where was I? Oh, right. While deployed, Frankie dies and Luke gets injured, forcing Cassie to not only take care of her injured “husband,” but she has to deal with Luke’s disapproving father (Linden Ashby, AKA Johnny Cage from the 1995 Mortal Kombat reminding us that time comes for us all). Their marriage is revealed to be a sham and the military goes hard against them. Like… y’all really don’t have anything better to do? I actually asked some ex-military people I know about this, and they all agreed that the US government doesn’t give much of a shit about marriages solely for benefits. Anyway, Luke tanks his entire defense by saying everything was his fault, and now he has to be punished. But Cassie loves him for some reason, so she waits for her husband to be released.

Did you notice that I didn’t mention “diabetes” after that introduction? That’s because except for one scene awkwardly forced in, that subplot disappears the moment the romance plot appears. You’d think this movie would have something to say about universal healthcare and how it would be great for people who need the extra help, but no, life-threatening diabetes was just to get the plot going. You’d think the movie would have something to say about the military industrial complex since there’s a character who flat out cheers that he gets to kill Arabs, but no, Cassie gets chided for ruining the dinner for calling out this blatant racism. In fact, whenever Cassie and Luke have a political disagreement, everything she says is absolutely right, but Luke always gets the final word as if he somehow won.

Sitting (as of writing) at 6.8 on IMDB, I can only assume this movie was specifically designed to piss me off. And it worked! Well done! I am suitably ruffled. Now all I can do is warn everyone I know not to see this piece of shit.


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