Do you ever watch a movie and immediately forget the characters’ names? Like, the Friday the 13th reboot was about… uh… Mr. Jared Padalecki looking for… someone, and uh… okay, I remember one of the stoners was named “Chewie,” but that’s it. Gun to my head I couldn’t tell you any of the others’ names. Well it’s not just me, because that issue is addressed by Feast and its sequels! We have characters with descriptive names that tell you everything you need to know, like Bartender, Beer Guy (Judah Friedlander), Honey Pie, and… Jason Mewes (Jason Mewes)? You get the idea.

The story takes place in a bar in the middle of nowhere where a bunch of patrons are trapped and hunted by a family of monsters. As if the character names weren’t cute enough, each character also has a life expectancy, given to us via infographic. How accurate are the expectancies? Not very! The plot is pretty frantic, but I feel like a kill count of who died in what order would tell the tale fairly well.

• HERO (Eric Dane, AKA Multiple Man from X-Men: The Last Stand) bursts into the bar, warns everybody about the monsters, and immediately gets his head eaten. Whoops.
• VET (as in military vet) gets a monster fist through the gut so quickly I constantly forget he’s even in this movie.
• JASON MEWES gets his face ripped off and dies quickly, but I remember him because he’s Jay of “Jay and Silent Bob.”
• CODY, Tuffie’s son, breaks the rules that say children can’t be killed and is eaten by a monster while his mother helplessly watches.
• MONSTER #1 gets trapped in an ice chest and later filled with bullets, Our survivors try to demoralize the other monsters by tossing out its severed head, but they immediately hump and create two more baby monsters. Whoops.
• HARLEY MOM, the biker chick, is thought to have died when she gets her leg chopped off, but was just comatose or whatever for a long time. She ends up actually dying when her body is loaded with explosives and tossed to the monsters as a distraction. Not before one of them humps her mouth, but such is the life of the director’s wife, I guess.
• MONSTER #2 explodes with Harley Mom.
• HEROINE, the Hero’s wife, showed up shortly after he died and tried to rally everyone, but gets accidentally shot by Bozo and eaten by monsters before she can succumb to her wounds. Bozo and Bossman cover this and the Harley Mom situation up.
• BOSSMAN didn’t learn anything from Vet’s death and gets another monster fist through his gut.
• COACH (Henry Rollins) fails to sneak past the monsters to get to the truck and is used as a battering ram by the monsters. His final words are, “BULLSHIIIIIIIT!”
• HONEY PIE sneaks past the monsters and gets to the truck! They day is saved! That is until she drives off, leaving everyone behind. Whoops.
• MONSTER #3 gets its head cut off via a bear trap thrown at it by Hot Wheels.
• BEER GUY survives getting vomited on–which starts to dissolve him–and his eye getting ripped out, only to continue to be useless and gets his head squished while failing to throw a Molotov cocktail.
• BARTENDER (Clu Gulager, the director’s dad) has a heart attack AND his throat ripped out, killing him.
• MONSTER #4 gets its teeth knocked out by Tuffie with the butt of a shotgun, then she sticks her hand down its throat, suffocating it while also ripping out some of its guts. Hot damn!
• TUFFIE becomes HEROINE 2 after Heroine dies and, with BOZO and his wheelchair-bound brother HOT WHEELS, overcomes all odds to drive off when the sun comes up. Our survivors!
• GRANDMA is forgotten about after hiding in the bathroom and almost survives, but a mid-credit monster kills her because there was a fifth one they also forgot about.

But wait! There are two more movies! They must follow Tuffie, Bozo, and Hot Wheels, right? Well… no. The only characters who appear in all three movies are Honey Pie and… Bartender? But he died, right? Well… no. Also Harley Mom comes back to play her twin sister, Biker Queen, but two out of three of these actors are related to the director, so that’s probably a coincidence.

Next: Feast II: Sloppy Seconds

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