Oh my god, why is this movie 3 hours long?? It’s a Hallmark original movie, for fuck’s sake! I refuse to sit through all of this in one sitting, so just like Hallmark Channel did, I’m breaking this up into two parts. Because all the best movies–and reviews–end with “to be continued.”

The Curse of King Tut, AKA The Curse of King Tut’s Tomb for some reason, stars Mr. Casper Van Dien. I could end the review right there, but only aficionados of bad movies would know what that means. Van Dien has made some… interesting choices in the movies he’s been in over the last two decades, in that they’re all pretty damn bad. Like, bad enough to make me wonder if he was actually good in Starship Troopers or if it’s all nostalgia. But I digress.

King Tut is an ageless being sent to Egypt by the gods to defeat Set and his army of demons. That’s the introduction to this movie, so we know that it’s bonkers from the get-go. Casper plays an Indiana Jones knockoff in the 1920’s trying to find artifact pieces before an Illuminati knockoff gets them and ends the world, or something. Not the worst plan, but the first three pieces were all found by Van Dien and were immediately stolen by the cult. Dude, you suck. If the world ends, it’s going to be your fault.

The story in part one is about the hunt for the last piece, hidden in Tut’s tomb. The movie isn’t the worst, but it certainly makes some bizarre decisions. Van Dien is proven to be a scumbag when he hires a bunch of diggers and skips out on paying them. That is part of a recurring pattern of everyone treating the native Egyptians like garbage. A homeless man mysteriously has a map burned onto his chest? Don’t get him help, trace the map directly from his prone body! And then it seems like every 10 minutes a new character is introduced: the dig is financed by a foppish gambler, then they “rent” a demolitions expert from prison, then there’s a pseudo-prostitute who’s spying on them, then the romantic interest’s fiance shows up (who will be evil and/or die, and I’m betting on evil), AND THEN we drag a drunk reporter into the mix. I don’t care about any of you, I don’t care about this movie, but I am going to force myself to watch the second part. Just… not right now. See you tomorrow.

Next: The Curse of King Tut, Part 2

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