ThanksKilling 3 (2012)

Have you ever watched something so bad and/or dumb that you can actually feel your brain cells killing themselves so they don’t have to retain anything from it? A movie so awful you walk away a dumber person? WELL ON THAT NOTE, let me try to talk about ThanksKilling 3 without screaming too much!

First off, there is no ThanksKilling 2. Except there sort of is? ThanksKilling‘s ending stinger suggested the next part would be in space, and in ThanksKilling 3, the fictional ThanksKilling 2 was indeed filmed in space. But it was so awful it got the E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial Atari game treatment and all copies were destroyed. That’s a good thing, because we eventually find out that Turkie–yes, he’s back, he’s no longer cooked, and we aren’t told why–cursed the film so that anyone who watches it falls under his control. So he REALLY wants to get his hands on the last remaining DVD copy, kicking the plot off.

The characters… holy fucking shit, these characters. There’s Turkie of course–still an obvious hand puppet–but we’re introduced to his annoying son Nibla, whose soul embeds itself into the DVD so now we have a talking MacGuffin. Before that happens, the DVD falls into the hands of Yomi, a puppet whose mind has left her. I mean that literally; her brain said goodbye before disappearing. She meets Uncle Donny–one of the only two actual humans with names in this movie–an infomercial hawker in a colonial wig who sells the turkey cooking PluckMaster 3000. Donny introduces her to Jefferson, the other human who doesn’t matter, and Flowis, a deformed granny puppet who is gangsta as fuck because one day the TV was left on BET (Black Entertainment Television). There’s also an alien earthworm named Rhonda who rides around on the shoulder of Muff, a dumb robot that Rhonda has sex with. Jefferson gets killed early, Flowis is annoying long enough so that her getting a chainsaw to the mouth was a relief (even if it was one big, morbid dick sucking joke), and after some plot stuff Rhonda dies, which causes a heartbroken Muff to shoot itself in the head. Even Yomi dies, but not really because she’s not actually a puppet, you see? She’s a member of the race that all puppets were BASED ON! Anyway, Rhonda’s also actually okay and is able to activate the particle vortex in Muff’s ass. Which is important to the plot. Which required Rhonda to loosen it up by sticking his aaaAAAAHHH!!

Sorry, I needed a quick break. So the heroes’ plan is to take the ThanksKilling 2 DVD–which, again, is possessed by the soul of Turkie’s son–and throw it into the particle vortex. Turkie’s plan is to broadcast the film across the world, which for some reason requires him to go to Turkey Hell to do so. There he has FrankenTurkey–who prefers to be called Blarth–standing guard, but that doesn’t stop Yomi and Rhonda from sneaking in and grabbing the DVD. But this happens after they meet some rats who were sniffing each other’s ass to see what cheese they ate, which Yomi participates in by aaaAAAAHHH!!

Woo, back from another break! So anyway, inspired by the words of the WiseTurkey–oh, right, our heroes traveled to another dimension somehow and met the WiseTurkey who gave cryptic advice–Yomi uses the diversion of the WiseTurkey dragging Turkie into a video game from 1993 and tosses the DVD/Nibla into the ass vortex. Turkie falls in as well, dying. But not really, because he pops up again at the end? Anyway, Yomi realizes her mind… is… in the vortex… so she… what’s the word for “an unnecessary sacrifice?” She dies. In the end Uncle Donny decides to open up his Thanksgivingland theme park and after the credits we get a short music video of Flowis rapping, because AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

This movie fucking sucks! It’s intentionally designed not to make any fucking sense, but it’s not good enough to get away with it. And I haven’t even touched on shit like Turkie starting the movie in a sitcom with his wife (who he killed). Or the PluckMaster 1–the prototype of the machine Donny was selling–can talk and was involved in Donny’s family being eaten by wolves. Or that the movie opens on the same topless woman from the first film, but this time she’s in space. Or the skeleton turkeys that are killed during what is essentially a music video. Or the gay cartoon cat. Or that Yomi comes back to life only because Donny stuck his hand up her felt opening. Or the other seemingly HUNDRED pointless moments that feel like they were the fever dream of an especially immature 14-year-old boy. This was a Kickstarter project! People paid money so that this could happen! And it’s a piece of fucking shit! There is nothing redeemable in this movie whatsoever!!

…okay, some of the techno music was pretty good. Check out the soundtrack by Amid Vocirus on YouTube, but avoid this movie at all costs. ThanksKilling may not have given me brain rot, but this movie certainly did. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go lie down and question my life choices.


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