I’d like to make a retraction: In my Doctor Mordrid review (my second review ever on this site) I said that Pet Graveyard was a movie from The Asylum. It turns out that it’s actually from Uncork’d Entertainment, which is similar in that both companies make bad movies, but Uncork’d seems to have less production value than the Asylum. So with that damning statement, let’s tackle another entry from my “movies I have referenced” list!

Have you seen and or read or know literally anything about Pet Sematary? Doesn’t matter! This movie has nothing to do with the Stephen King story and is way more like Flatliners. A group of people decide to go “brinking,” which is the latest teen craze dodgy websites tell parents they should be afraid of. I mean, not really, but they probably should. It’s the act of killing yourself only a little bit so you can visit the realm of the dead and see lost loved ones, then having someone revive you before permanent brain damage and/or actual death occurs. This goes very poorly and the three who went under are now being targeted by Death. It’s a little like Final Destination, except here Death is a masked guy in black robes who kills people in creative ways such as “strangle her in the shower” or “beat him to death with a wrench.” The brother/sister duo are the only ones left at the end, and the sister realizes their doom is powered by the skull of Orcus, who is a real historical deity and not just a Dungeons & Dragons villain. The more you know! She brinks and manages to smash the skull, stopping Death but losing her brother in the process. Just kidding! He’s fine! Roll credits before anyone can ask too many questions!

There’s so much to shake my head at here. The group brinks–which is a horrible name and suggests they didn’t have anyone to bounce ideas off of–in a crypt. For humans. As in there’s no pet graveyard involved in this film at all. Hell, the closest we get to that title is a hairless cat with glowing red eyes–just about the only special effects in the entire movie–that acts as a harbinger of Death. And their plan for brinking was a recipe for disaster! If they were logical and went one at a time, when the first one encounters something spooky on the other side and comes back, they’d warn everyone else against doing the same thing. So for the plot to move forward the three that brink have to be suffocated one after the other in rapid succession, meaning when the longest 3 minutes in cinematic history is over and they need to be revived, the one staying behind has seconds to resuscitate one before the next needs the same treatment. If anyone took longer to bring back it’d throw a deadly wrench into their plans. Not the same wrench used on the one guy, but still.

I expected this movie to be lame but man, I did not set my bar low enough. First of all it’s a bad sign when you try to google a thing and Google responds, “Um, pretty sure you mean this other thing.” You have to use quotes to search for details on Pet Graveyard, otherwise Google will autocorrect and give you information on Pet Sematary. Which isn’t that big a surprise since this movie has 6 user reviews on Rotten Tomatoes. Nobody has seen this movie, and nobody should.

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