The Ridiculous 6 (2015)

This was not the movie I intended to talk about today. See, in preparing for a month dedicated to the worst movies ever, I collected a bunch of links to visit later. One was for a movie called Daniel der Zauberer, AKA Daniel the Wizard, the #18 movie (as of writing) on the IMDB Bottom 100 and a film directed by my nemesis, Mr. Ulli Lommel (no I will never shut up about Diary of a Cannibal). It’s a German film but it has to have subtitles, right? Well after spending $3 to rent it on Vimeo, turns out it did not have subtitles. And I couldn’t find it anywhere else on the internet. Since I was annoyed and didn’t want to spend any more money, I scrambled for a replacement. Just about every list talking about the worst movies on Netflix mentioned the Adam Sandler movie The Ridiculous 6, a vague parody of The Magnificent Seven, so that’s… a thing we’re doing now.

White Knife (Adam Sandler) is a ninja wizard raised by Native Americans. As an adult he meets his biological father, Frank Stockburn (Nick Nolte), but Frank is soon abducted by Cicero (Danny Trejo). White Knife decides to steal enough money–from bad people, but still theft–to rescue his dad. He quickly runs into burro-owning Ramon (whoever would’ve guessed Rob Schneider would be in an Adam Sandler film) and village idiot Lil Pete (Taylor Lautner). I guess Taylor decided to take this role where he constantly talks about his third nipple, but We Can Be Heroes, the pseudo-sequel to The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl was too beneath him or something. Anyway, White Knife discovers that they’re all also sons of Frank. Other half brothers include the feral Herm (Jorge Garcia from Lost), shitty presidential bodyguard Danny (Luke Wilson), and can-play-the-piano-with-his-dick Chico (Terry Crews). The six engage in episodic thefts where they steal from a variety of recognizable names (Chris Parnell Harvey Keitel, Jon Lovitz, David Spade, Blake Shelton, and… Vanilla Ice as Mark Twain?!) all while being hunted by an inept gang. White Knife gets revenge against Cicero, but oh no, turns out that Frank –one of the most infamous criminals in the West–is a bad man. Frank and his gang are defeated, the Native tribe adopts the five new half-brothers, and White Knife marries his girlfriend, Smoking Fox.

Remember when Adam Sandler movies were one of the biggest things ever? Were they actually good or were we all just dumb back then? I’m asking because this movie is really stupid and only occasionally funny. You’ve got just about every level of “dude humor” they could cram in: Ramon’s burro has explosive diarrhea, White Knife cuts the balls off of a fly, Lil Pete talks about fucking cantaloupes, and all of the female characters barely exist. Smoking Fox could’ve been replaced by a lamp (perhaps even a sexy lamp) and the plot would barely change. The other women are either prostitutes, wives with the tiniest of plot roles, or the Native women whose names are punchlines, like Beaver Breath or Never Wears Bra (played by Sandler’s wife). There’s an essay in this on the film’s treatment on women, but I’ll leave that to more competent hands.

When I said the movie felt “episodic” I mean that as I was watching, it felt like the script was written in 10 minute bursts. The escapades have barely anything to do with each other except for a general sense of “stealing from bad people” and “brotherly bonding.” Hell, there’s an extended sequence where the brothers play the first ever game of baseball with Abner Doubleday (John Turturro) where the game’s odd rules are explained as Doubleday cheating in the moment. What does it add? Extremely little–the six get information at the end they could’ve acquired just about any other way. Oh, and there’s a post credit scene where the Chinese workers Doubleday was lording over do a cheer for the six. My mistake, that stinger made it all worthwhile! Having that little moment at a point where the majority of viewers were no longer watching ties the whole movie together! I feel bad for the people who missed it! And of fucking course I’m being sarcastic!

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