Almighty Thor (2011)

I’ve talked about this before, but The Asylum is a film company known for ridiculous movies like Sharknado and a ridiculous amount of knock-offs. Mockbusters, if you will. Back in 2005, Blockbuster–remember when that was relevant?–accidentally ordered 100,000 copies of HG Wells’ War of the Worlds instead of the Stephen Spielberg film that came out the same year, War of the Worlds. From there the company just went wild, creating knockoffs like Atlantic Rim, Sunday School Musical, and in this particular case, Almight Thor to go up against Marvel’s Thor. The God of Thunder is technically in the public domain, so why not!

Plus this isn’t actually a superhero movie, so my declaration of “no more superheroes” after MCU March is still valid.

Loki (Mr. Richard Grieco) is looking for the Hammer of Invincibility so he can destroy the Tree of Life, thereby killing all the worlds connected to it. Why? Unclear. He kills Odin (former wrestler Kevin Nash) and his son Baldir (Jess Allen, AKA the beefy one in Vampire Boys), but Thor (Cody Deal) survives. Unfortunately for reality, he’s an idiot so he needs saving by Jarnsaxa (Paticia Velasquez, AKA Anck-Su-Namun from The Mummy and The Mummy Returns). They escape to Earth, then travel to the Tree of Life so Thor can pick up the Hammer that Odin hid there before it disappears forever. Why not let it disappear? At one point they say if it disappears, it would somehow would teleport to Loki. Thor gets the Hammer, but is no match for Loki and his pocket sand. Loki gets the Hammer, kills Jarnsaxa, and sends Thor to Muspelheim/Hell. But Thor is industrious so he… takes some lava… and smelts a new hammer with his fists? Sure, why not. Loki successfully hammers the Tree of Life into death, but apparently killing all life in the universe is a slow process. Thor somehow arrives back on Earth with a new outfit, the two fight, and Loki dies (for real this time). Thor pours a healing potion on the Tree of Life’s heart and that’s good enough to save all life, apparently. Bit anticlimactic, but whatever.

I don’t expect movies from The Asylum to be good, but hot damn was this bad. Cody Deal can’t act to save his life (probably for the best that he’s now a fitness guru and thirst trap on Instagram). And personally speaking, it’s a bit distracting that he looks like what would happen if Owen Wilson and Tom Cruise had a teleporter accident. Richard Grieco (known for… something, I guess, I refuse to look it up) is a little better, but that’s more his natural creepiness than any attempt at acting. Seriously, why does he look like that? At least Kevin Nash and Patricia Valesquez try to act, but the whole exercise is a waste of time.

There’s just nothing good in this. The fight sequences look awful, with choppy slow motion that would make Zack Snyder cringe. Loki’s entire personality is “evil” and no other explanations are given, like how he got all that power or why he wants to destroy all life. The special effects look like trash, and early battle scenes of Loki’s giant dogs versus Odin’s army only show at most three soldiers at time due to the limited number of extras on set. Yes, the health potion was set up earlier, but at no point are we led to believe that it could bring something so important as the Tree of Life back to, well… life. There’s this whole side plot about the Norns who weave fate (literally, they have a tapestry) who say that Loki will win, but Thor believes he can make his own fate, a plot that worked much better in the Disney film Brave. And at one point, Thor tries to get Jarnsaxa to stay behind, but she refuses, and two scenes/30 seconds later, she says she’s staying behind. The props look awful, the film looks awful, everything is just awful in this. One of the lamest mockbusters I’ve ever seen, and that’s saying a lot.

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