What’s a horror franchise without a prequel? Most of them, actually, but it sure seems like nowadays we have to spend at least an hour and a half explaining shit we either had already deduced through context clues, or were the source of much heated debates in the internet’s smelliest chatrooms. I just don’t see the need for this movie, you know? But here we are, seeing the origin of Father Lankester Merrin and how exorcizing Regan was actually a piece of cake. You know, up to the point where he died… OH YEAH RIGHT WELCOME BACK TO PARANORMAL OCTOBERTY!
After seeing the aftermath of a massacre where a holy warrior finds a demonic talisman for an unnamed evil–it’s kind of related to the story but not enough to bother explaining–we jump to Egypt in 1949 where a weary Lankester Merrin (Mr. Stellan Skarsgård) is all jaded and shit. We eventually learn he lost faith in God because Nazis are just the worst, but right now he’s an ex-priest and current archaeologist. He hears word of an ancient, forgotten, buried Christian church in Africa and jumps at the opportunity to explore it. While there he meets Sarah the Love Interest (Izabella Scorupco, AKA Natalya Simonova in Goldeneye), Father Francis the I Forgot He Was Even There (James D’Arcy, AKA Jarvis from Agent Carter and Avengers: Endgame), Jefferies the Sex Pest Who Dies and You Feel Good About It (Alan Ford, AKA Brick Top from Snatch), and a young African boy named Joseph (Remy Sweeny, AKA… uh… Sam Blake in one episode of Doctors), who may or may not be possessed by a demon. Hm, “Joseph” is a weird way to spell “Kokumo,” but whatever. Excavating the church reveals it was meant to contain a great evil, one who has possessed… Sarah! She’s been possessed the whole time and Joseph was a red herring. But along the way Merrin reconnected with God, and with Joseph by his side they manage to exorcise the evil. Then Sarah dies. Whoops! Honestly, Regan surviving is pretty much the outlier in this entire franchise…
I really don’t know what to say about this one. The highlight for me was the final line where Merrin corrects someone calling him Mr. Merrin with, “It’s Father Merrin.” Unintentionally cunty, but I’ll take it. The rest was just… not great. The CG effects look atrocious for 2004, which isn’t even that high of a bar, and yet. The story wasn’t anything to write home about, filled with little references to The Exorcist, and also some imagery from Exorcist II: The Heretic while specifically avoiding the name Pazuzu. So are we completely ignoring that sequel or did Merrin face off against this demon three times? And a lot of the (ugly) effects the possessed Sarah pulls off are so ramped up they just about make Regan’s possession look quaint. It’s all just very mid, which makes mustering up the energy to talk about it feel exhausting. It’s certainly a movie where choices were made. At least it’s done; it’s not like they tried to rerelease the film the following year, right? I–hang on, my imaginary producer is frantically waving at me.
…
THEY DID WHAT?!
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