To be perfectly honest, I wasn’t absolutely sure that I’d be reviewing Return of the Jedi right here. Mr. George Lucas clearly wants people to watch his Star Wars movies in episode order, but I didn’t want to go that route. And sure, release order–4, 5, 6, 1, 2, and 3–is what I’m apparently leaning towards, but I was really tempted to do flashback mode–4, 5, 1, 2, 3, and 6–,the logic is flashing back to Anakin Skywalker’s past after the revelation that no, he is Luke’s father. But at just about the last minute I decided at the very least, let’s finish off the original trilogy. So here we are, hanging out with teddy bears. Yub nub!
We know that Han Solo’s frozen body was meant to be delivered to Jabba the Hutt at the end of Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back, so lo and behold he’s decoration in Jabba’s palace on Tatooine. A bounty hunter (uncredited voiced by Pat Welsh, AKA the voice of ET from ET the Extra-Terrestrial) brings Chewie in, but the hunter is revealed to be Leia in disguise. She rescues Han and then immediately gets captured and put into a slave bikini, the sight that launched a thousand boners. Luke shows up claiming to be a Jedi knight (citation needed) and immediately gets captured as well. But ah ha! This was all part of his plan! Luke, Han, Chewie, and a disguised Lando fight back while Leia kills Jabba. With that out of the way, it’s time for Luke to go back to Yoda and finish his training–oh shit, Yoda’s dead. But the little goblin did confirm that Vader was telling the truth and that Leia is Luke’s twin sister, so that’s something. Meanwhile, Emperor Palpatine (Ian McDiarmid) meets with Vader on the still-in-construction second Death Star (Death Star II: Electric Boogaloo) and plots to turn Luke to the dark side. The Rebellion knows of this Death Star and plans to sneak onto a moon of Endor to deactivate the force field surrounding the battle station and blow it up before it’s fully operational. Luke, Leia, Han, Chewie, and the droids make contact with the native ewoks, little teddy bear creatures that aaaaaAAAAAHHH!!! Since when do they blink?! Lucas, you’ve gone too far this time!!
It’s fine, I’m fine. Anyway, Luke tells Leia about Vader and their relation, then heads up to confront the Emperor. But it’s a trap! The Death Star is operational, the force field is guarded, and Luke is… well he turned himself over so I can’t really say he’s “captured.” But with help from the ewoks the force field is deactivated, allowing the Rebellion–particularly Lando flying the Millennium Falcon–a chance to attack. As that’s going on, Luke refuses to strike down either his father or the Emperor in anger, which would complete his turn to the dark side. Disappointed, the Emperor just opts to electrocute him, until Vader attempts to redeem himself by throwing the old man to his explosive death. After taking off his helmet and revealing himself to look like a combination between everyone’s grandfather and cabbage that’s been forgotten in the back of the fridge (played by Sebastian Shaw, no not the X-Men villain), Anakin shares a moment with his son before dying. During the celebrations held across the galaxy, we see Anakin’s force ghost hanging out with Yoda and Obi-Wan, except it’s Hayden Christensen because Lucas decreed that Anakin died when he became Vader, making Obi-Wan’s lie to Luke kinda sorta true. The day is saved, and we’re never going to see the Emperor pop up again. Yup, he’s definitely dead and not coming back!
But even that joke falls flat because I haven’t covered the prequel trilogy, where Palpatine is one of the main characters… Oh well.
Jedi has never been my favorite Star Wars flick. I was one of those kids who was way too mature for silly kids stuff, you know? That super mature kind of kid who is exactly like every other kid but thinks too much of themselves. Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Hope pulled me in with a grand epic adventure, Empire Strikes Back was a masterpiece in my kid brain, and then Return of the Jedi was just… we’re fighting the Death Star again? The heroes are hanging out with tribal Care Bears? It just didn’t endear itself to me like the other two movies did. But then we got 8 other live action films and it turns out Jedi‘s not all that bad after all! It’s still just a shame about the enhanced special effects…
Sure, I hate that ewoks blink and question why we had to yassify Anakin’s ghost, but that’s not the most egregious update Lucas made to this film. No, while we’re at Jabba’s palace we have an alien music video that just… it’s bad. It’s real bad. It’s a weird jazzy number–friendly reminder that jazz is called “jizz” in Star Wars and no, I am not making that up–that replaces the original goofy-looking Sy Snootles puppet with hideous CG that stands out against everything else in the film clearly being from the 80’s. Seriously, at one point a little furball apparently named Joh Yowza hits a note that involves him sliding right up to the camera with his open mouth taking up a sizable amount of the screen, and I assume any time a piece of media wants to show off someone’s uvula that it’s a fetish thing. The song is mercifully cut short by a dancer refusing to get groped by Jabba and being killed. I acknowledge that this addition was mostly for the kids in the audience, but it’s not at all good. Honestly, the original song they replaced, “Lapti Nek,” is better with a catchy disco beat. There are just so many other jizz songs I’d rather listen to!
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