I know, I know. I’m still on hiatus, but I had to make this post. Why? Because I am Captain Ahab and the Children of the Corn prequel/remake/reboot has been my white whale ever since it disappeared off the face of the goddamned Earth back in 2020, only to resurface recently. From hell’s heart I stab at thee! The last movie of this forsaken franchise has been seen!
Some background is probably useful. As much as we may want to forget, the world kind of ended in 2020 when COVID swept the globe. Most movie theaters were closed for several months, but a couple still operated here and there. Case in point, Mr. Kurt Wimmer–you know, the guy behind Ultraviolet and Equilibrium–released his Children of the Corn movie in October 2020 in Sarasota, Florida. From what I’ve gathered, the film had a handful of screenings and made just barely over $1000*. Then it just… disappeared. Plans for additional theaters didn’t happen, a supposed fall 2022 re-release came and went, and the movie just was lost to the aether. And for the vast majority of people on the planet, that was it. Who cares?
I care. I care far more than I should. I actually own every Children of the Corn movie on DVD. I dedicated the first October on this blog to the franchise as part of October of the Corn! Sow there being a new CotC movie that was being kept from me was maddening. I had to see it! I had no expectations that it would be good, but when has that ever stopped me before?
So cut to now, I’ve finally seen the movie. And it’s… fine? It’s okay. Not nearly as bad as I had been expecting, but there are several moments that just pissed me the fuck off so I can’t say it was anywhere close to good.
The film follows an 18-year-old girl named Bo who is about to leave the dying farm town of Rylstone. Definitely not Gatlin! But some of the younger kids have been hanging out in the corn a lot and are acting… weird. Led by the adorable cult leader Eden, the youngins eventually kill all the adults in the name of He Who Walks. Behind the Rows must be his husband’s name and this takes place before their gay wedding, or something. Anyway, Bo is horrified to find out that He Who Walks is not only real, but the corn version of Swamp Thing. Gotta say, not super imposing. In the end Bo manages to defeat the demon and Eden by setting the cornfields on fire, but then we have the by-the-numbers horror ending where it’s revealed that Eden and Mr. Walks survived, and they attack Bo as the screen goes black.
So the good: Eden–played by Kate Moyer–is a delight. She’s no Isaac, but she brings this joyous, chaotic energy to her performance and you can see why she’s in charge of the cult. And, uh… that’s about it.
The mundane isn’t worth getting into, so onto the bad: He Who Walks is a generic CG cornhusk monster that looks real bad. Why does stabbing the demon’s physical avatar with a machete hurt it? I thought he was more a part of the field and was just manifesting, but I guess not here. All the adults are cartoonishly cruel and/or incompetent, but that’s pretty standard for characters in a horror movie meant to die. While my husband thought killing most of the adults by burying them alive in the fields was pretty inventive, I thought it was a bit of a letdown compared to the previous movies where the kids of the town went around and shanked everyone.
And then there’s the ending where Bo lights the fields on fire. I hated it! Not the burning, but how we got there. Bo was in a barn, doused in gasoline by the kids and was about to be lit on fire, but she reminded them that the corn dust in the area is flammable and the resulting explosion would kill them all. After this she escapes and manages to get a bit away before Eden corners her. Then Bo has one last request before she dies: a cigarette. Eden even is surprised to find out Bo smokes, because of fucking course Bo doesn’t smoke, this was all to light the fields on fire thanks to the car she stole leaking gasoline all over. I guess we’re just supposed to forget that she’s covered in gasoline and should’ve caught fire as well? It’s so dumb and forced, and then the “but wait, the evil is still alive” last scene combined with really ugly CGI just ruined the climax for me. Not that I was expecting much, but still.
And so, the curse has been lifted. I’m finally free! And will promptly go back to my self-imposed hiatus. See you when the next “of the Living Dead” movie comes out, or whatever!
…
THE FUCK IS FESTIVAL OF THE LIVING DEAD?! DOES THAT EVEN COUNT??
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* This information is hard to backup now since box office trackers are saying the film actually was first released in March of this year, but that’s a damn dirty lie.
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